Weekly Recap for Tuesday, April 26, 2016 - ProgressiveChristianity.org of Gig Harbor, Washington, United States - Do you always respond to "I Love You"? This and more in our Free Weekly Recap of our most viewed and new resources from last week.
Last Week At ProgressiveChristianity.org ...
We delved into the topics of: What to Tell Your Daughter, Interfaith Engagement, Love and Weddings.
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If I should have a daughter …Sarah Kay
Spoken word poet Sarah Kay, in a talk that inspired two standing ovations at TED2011. She tells the story of her metamorphosis.
READ ON ... http://www.ted.com “If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she’s gonna call me Point B … ” began spoken word poet Sarah Kay, in a talk that inspired two standing ovations at TED2011. She tells the story of her metamorphosis — from a wide-eyed teenager soaking in verse at New York’s Bowery Poetry Club to a teacher connecting kids with the power of self-expression through Project V.O.I.C.E. — and gives two breathtaking performances of “B” and “Hiroshima.”
TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes. Featured speakers have included Al Gore on climate change, Philippe Starck on design, Jill Bolte Taylor on observing her own stroke, Nicholas Negroponte on One Laptop per Child, Jane Goodall on chimpanzees, Bill Gates on malaria and mosquitoes, Pattie Maes on the “Sixth Sense” wearable tech, and “Lost” producer JJ Abrams on the allure of mystery. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design, and TEDTalks cover these topics as well as science, business, development and the arts. Closed captions and translated subtitles in a variety of languages are now available on TED.com, at http://www.ted.com/translate.
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Seven Principles of Interfaith Engagement
Jim Burklo
Here I offer some basic guidance about how people of different faiths can engage with each other in meaningful and productive ways.
READ ON ... Here I offer some basic guidance about how people of different faiths can engage with each other in meaningful and productive ways. This advice is the product of 36 years of interfaith work, culminating in my present job as Associate Dean of the Office of Religious Life at the University of Southern California.
1) The world’s religions are different from each other. That ought to go without saying, but there are many people who believe that each religion is just a different path up the same mountain, or that they are different languages to express the same experiences. They can be forgiven for this, because indeed there are threads and themes that look familiar across the lines of faith. My colleague at Stanford, Robert Gregg, former Dean of Memorial Church, once wisely said that the world’s religions are many paths up many different mountains. But when you get to the top of any of the mountains, you can admire a beautiful mountain range. In interfaith conversations, it’s a lot safer and also a lot more interesting and productive to presume that the religions of others are pretty different than one’s own. Then, when you discover striking similarities, you can be surprised pleasantly. But we do best to remember that lurking even in the similarities there may be really interesting differences. For instance, prayer beads show up in the devotional practices of Hindus, Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims. The Buddhists learned it from the Hindus, the Muslims copied the Hindus and the Buddhists, and the Christians copied the Muslims. But in each tradition, the devotee is doing something inwardly different than the others when they finger the beads in roughly the same outward ways.
2) The differences between religions are different. The difference between Hinduism and Islam is not analogous to the difference between Christianity and Judaism. Furthermore, these faiths have substantially different endogenous definitions of religion. Judaism as a religion is quite different than Christianity as a religion. For one thing, Judaism has an intrinsic ethnic identity that Christianity lacks. The failure to account for the differences between the differences results in deep misunderstandings in interfaith contexts. An example is the website “Belief.net”, one of the earliest attempts at interfaith engagement online. The very title of the website reflects a Protestant Christian bias. For evangelical Christianity, religion is defined first and foremost by belief. But many other faiths are defined more by rituals and practices than by doctrinal assertions.
3) Religions, and sects of religions, have different ways of understanding religious differences. But these differences don’t necessarily impede interfaith engagement. Diana Eck of the Harvard Pluralism Project defines three general ways that religions relate to each other. Pluralism is the idea that other religions may be as good for others as mine is for me. Inclusivism she defines as the assumption that other religions may have truth and value worthy of engaging, but whatever is good in them is but a lesser reflection of the ultimate, authoritative good of my own tradition. Eck defines exclusivism as the assumption that other religions are wrong at best and evil at worst, and that my faith is the only true one. Some folks believe you have to be a pluralist in order to have substantial relationships with people of other faiths. They assume that interfaith engagement is primarily a sport for theological liberals like myself. But I have witnessed close working relationships and deep friendships between people who hold exclusivist views within their different faiths. Sometimes, conservatives of differing traditions get along better with each other than they do with their liberal, pluralistic co-religionists. One of the favored places for conservative Middle Eastern Sunni Muslims to send their kids to college in America is Brigham Young University in Utah, a Mormon school. I do think that pluralism makes more room for appreciating the faiths of others than does inclusivism or exclusivism. But these latter two approaches still can allow for very rich interfaith conversations.
4) Different issues make for surprising interfaith bedfellows! Understanding the nuances of different faith perspectives on social issues is important for those who want to promote interfaith cooperation, to seek common ground where possible, and make room for disagreement where possible. An important example is “religious freedom”. In America today, the theologically progressive branches of Christianity, Judaism, and some other faiths tend not to perceive any threat to the free exercise of their faiths. Meanwhile, some of the more conservative manifestations, particularly in Christianity, feel that their religious freedom is under attack as social norms and laws have changed.. These conservative religious groups define “religious freedom” to allow their organizations and their followers to discriminate against people who violate their faith-based norms. They believe that religion should not just be freely exercised, but also given a privileged status by the government to influence the wider society. But some faith communities that share this view may disagree about other definitions of religious freedom. For instance, they may agree that a company owned by a person whose religion forbade birth control should not have to offer employees health insurance coverage that included contraception. But they might disagree about churches keeping their tax exempt status if their preachers endorsed political candidates from the pulpit. Understanding the historical and theological reasons for these differing views will help greatly in promoting interfaith engagement.
5) It’s good to know something about the world’s religions: at least enough to know just how much you don’t know! Most of the numerically significant religions have enormous troves of texts and rituals and traditions. I have spent my entire life studying my own tradition, Christianity, and the more I learn, the more I discover there is to learn. The older I get, the more boggled I am by its depth and breadth. I can only presume that this is the case for the other faiths, too. I’ve studied many of them in some depth, but only enough to be aware of the depth of my ignorance of them. Effective interfaith leadership requires curiosity and humility. It requires the constant assumption that regardless of your level of education in world religions, there is so very much more to know that could affect your relationships with people of other faiths. Ask questions, and then ask more questions based on the answers.
6) In America today, “innerfaith” exploration is part of interfaith engagement. The trend in religion in the US is toward increasing heterodoxy. Catholics are doing yoga. Evangelicals are going to tarot card readings. Jews have been practicing Zen meditation for decades. Even people who profess strong traditional religious identities are engaging in the practices of other religions and cultures, mashing them up as they follow their own personal spiritual paths. Just because somebody says they are a Zoroastrian, and you happen to know a lot about that tradition, that doesn’t mean you know what that individual believes or practices. With enormous amounts of religious information now accessible on the internet, people are trending away from reliance on their pastors and priests for authoritative knowledge about matters spiritual, and are claiming their own authority. Some folks who get involved in interfaith dialogues have no firm or fixed religious identity, but are taking their own “innerfaith” journeys. They can cause frustration for those who want to engage with serious practitioners of different historic traditions. But as the number of religiously unaffiliated people grows rapidly, we need to make room at the interfaith table for them. We need to make room for overt atheists, too. We need to ask questions. Where and how do you find support from other people for your spiritual journey? How do you experience spirituality, and what practices do you employ to evoke or express it?
7) You can grow in your own faith tradition through deep exposure to other traditions. One reason to get involved in interfaith work is to look more critically at your own faith, take it more seriously, and become more curious about it. This has been my own experience. Learning and practicing Buddhist meditation methods led me to explore the rich meditative and contemplative mystical traditions of my Christian heritage. Learning about other faiths from their practitioners has heightened my interest in their similarities and differences with my faith. Any risk of temptation to switch religions is outweighed by the benefit of going deeper in one’s faith as a consequence of interfaith dialogue.
JIM BURKLO
Website: JIMBURKLO.COM Weblog: MUSINGS Follow me on twitter: @jtburklo
See the GUIDE to my articles and books
Associate Dean of Religious Life, University of Southern California
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When Someone Says “I Love You,” RESPOND
Here I offer some basic guidance about how people of different faiths can engage with each other in meaningful and productive ways.
READ ON ... Here I offer some basic guidance about how people of different faiths can engage with each other in meaningful and productive ways. This advice is the product of 36 years of interfaith work, culminating in my present job as Associate Dean of the Office of Religious Life at the University of Southern California.
1) The world’s religions are different from each other. That ought to go without saying, but there are many people who believe that each religion is just a different path up the same mountain, or that they are different languages to express the same experiences. They can be forgiven for this, because indeed there are threads and themes that look familiar across the lines of faith. My colleague at Stanford, Robert Gregg, former Dean of Memorial Church, once wisely said that the world’s religions are many paths up many different mountains. But when you get to the top of any of the mountains, you can admire a beautiful mountain range. In interfaith conversations, it’s a lot safer and also a lot more interesting and productive to presume that the religions of others are pretty different than one’s own. Then, when you discover striking similarities, you can be surprised pleasantly. But we do best to remember that lurking even in the similarities there may be really interesting differences. For instance, prayer beads show up in the devotional practices of Hindus, Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims. The Buddhists learned it from the Hindus, the Muslims copied the Hindus and the Buddhists, and the Christians copied the Muslims. But in each tradition, the devotee is doing something inwardly different than the others when they finger the beads in roughly the same outward ways.
2) The differences between religions are different. The difference between Hinduism and Islam is not analogous to the difference between Christianity and Judaism. Furthermore, these faiths have substantially different endogenous definitions of religion. Judaism as a religion is quite different than Christianity as a religion. For one thing, Judaism has an intrinsic ethnic identity that Christianity lacks. The failure to account for the differences between the differences results in deep misunderstandings in interfaith contexts. An example is the website “Belief.net”, one of the earliest attempts at interfaith engagement online. The very title of the website reflects a Protestant Christian bias. For evangelical Christianity, religion is defined first and foremost by belief. But many other faiths are defined more by rituals and practices than by doctrinal assertions.
3) Religions, and sects of religions, have different ways of understanding religious differences. But these differences don’t necessarily impede interfaith engagement. Diana Eck of the Harvard Pluralism Project defines three general ways that religions relate to each other. Pluralism is the idea that other religions may be as good for others as mine is for me. Inclusivism she defines as the assumption that other religions may have truth and value worthy of engaging, but whatever is good in them is but a lesser reflection of the ultimate, authoritative good of my own tradition. Eck defines exclusivism as the assumption that other religions are wrong at best and evil at worst, and that my faith is the only true one. Some folks believe you have to be a pluralist in order to have substantial relationships with people of other faiths. They assume that interfaith engagement is primarily a sport for theological liberals like myself. But I have witnessed close working relationships and deep friendships between people who hold exclusivist views within their different faiths. Sometimes, conservatives of differing traditions get along better with each other than they do with their liberal, pluralistic co-religionists. One of the favored places for conservative Middle Eastern Sunni Muslims to send their kids to college in America is Brigham Young University in Utah, a Mormon school. I do think that pluralism makes more room for appreciating the faiths of others than does inclusivism or exclusivism. But these latter two approaches still can allow for very rich interfaith conversations.
4) Different issues make for surprising interfaith bedfellows! Understanding the nuances of different faith perspectives on social issues is important for those who want to promote interfaith cooperation, to seek common ground where possible, and make room for disagreement where possible. An important example is “religious freedom”. In America today, the theologically progressive branches of Christianity, Judaism, and some other faiths tend not to perceive any threat to the free exercise of their faiths. Meanwhile, some of the more conservative manifestations, particularly in Christianity, feel that their religious freedom is under attack as social norms and laws have changed.. These conservative religious groups define “religious freedom” to allow their organizations and their followers to discriminate against people who violate their faith-based norms. They believe that religion should not just be freely exercised, but also given a privileged status by the government to influence the wider society. But some faith communities that share this view may disagree about other definitions of religious freedom. For instance, they may agree that a company owned by a person whose religion forbade birth control should not have to offer employees health insurance coverage that included contraception. But they might disagree about churches keeping their tax exempt status if their preachers endorsed political candidates from the pulpit. Understanding the historical and theological reasons for these differing views will help greatly in promoting interfaith engagement.
5) It’s good to know something about the world’s religions: at least enough to know just how much you don’t know! Most of the numerically significant religions have enormous troves of texts and rituals and traditions. I have spent my entire life studying my own tradition, Christianity, and the more I learn, the more I discover there is to learn. The older I get, the more boggled I am by its depth and breadth. I can only presume that this is the case for the other faiths, too. I’ve studied many of them in some depth, but only enough to be aware of the depth of my ignorance of them. Effective interfaith leadership requires curiosity and humility. It requires the constant assumption that regardless of your level of education in world religions, there is so very much more to know that could affect your relationships with people of other faiths. Ask questions, and then ask more questions based on the answers.
6) In America today, “innerfaith” exploration is part of interfaith engagement. The trend in religion in the US is toward increasing heterodoxy. Catholics are doing yoga. Evangelicals are going to tarot card readings. Jews have been practicing Zen meditation for decades. Even people who profess strong traditional religious identities are engaging in the practices of other religions and cultures, mashing them up as they follow their own personal spiritual paths. Just because somebody says they are a Zoroastrian, and you happen to know a lot about that tradition, that doesn’t mean you know what that individual believes or practices. With enormous amounts of religious information now accessible on the internet, people are trending away from reliance on their pastors and priests for authoritative knowledge about matters spiritual, and are claiming their own authority. Some folks who get involved in interfaith dialogues have no firm or fixed religious identity, but are taking their own “innerfaith” journeys. They can cause frustration for those who want to engage with serious practitioners of different historic traditions. But as the number of religiously unaffiliated people grows rapidly, we need to make room at the interfaith table for them. We need to make room for overt atheists, too. We need to ask questions. Where and how do you find support from other people for your spiritual journey? How do you experience spirituality, and what practices do you employ to evoke or express it?
7) You can grow in your own faith tradition through deep exposure to other traditions. One reason to get involved in interfaith work is to look more critically at your own faith, take it more seriously, and become more curious about it. This has been my own experience. Learning and practicing Buddhist meditation methods led me to explore the rich meditative and contemplative mystical traditions of my Christian heritage. Learning about other faiths from their practitioners has heightened my interest in their similarities and differences with my faith. Any risk of temptation to switch religions is outweighed by the benefit of going deeper in one’s faith as a consequence of interfaith dialogue.
JIM BURKLO
Website: JIMBURKLO.COM Weblog: MUSINGS Follow me on twitter: @jtburklo
See the GUIDE to my articles and books
Associate Dean of Religious Life, University of Southern California
------
When Someone Says “I Love You,” RESPOND
Kelly Isola
We bear so much in life that is heart-wrenching. Let’s become a world bearing the weight of knowing just how lovable we are.
READ ON ...
Recently I was gravely ill… I heard my mom use that adjective with someone a few weeks ago when explaining what I had been through. Heavy, burdensome, hard to bear – these are all ways to define the root of the word, and all things I am experiencing. Mostly the “hard to bear” part lately.
When you think about things that are hard to bear, what comes to mind? For me, I look around the world and there is a never-ending supply of things that are hard to bear… war, starvation, environmental destruction, sex slave trade and so on. Honestly though I don’t have to look that far, because right in my own backyard there are things I see and experience that are hard to bear. Illiteracy, unemployment, addictions of all kinds, loneliness, and spiritual wastelands in so many people I meet. It is hard to bear. But we bear all these things – and then some – don’t we.
What’s hard to bear
We bear that fact that we are lonely and don’t tell anyone. We bear the weight of the death of loved ones and smile for the world that we are OK. We bear the heaviness of being trapped in meaningless jobs or loveless relationships because we need to keep a roof over our head and think that what we have is better than nothing. We bear the load of emptiness that plagues our hearts because we have come to believe we don’t matter. We bear the pressure of thinking we aren’t good enough, and if we do more or be more somehow that will make us lovable and “ok.” We bear the overwhelming cloud of staying closed off because “I don’t want to bother anyone” with my heaviness, or intimacy is so terrifying I would rather be alone then let you in to see me in all my glory and ugliness.
We bear the cumbersome guilt at the end of the day knowing we could have been more compassionate, loving or open. We bear the burden of shame heaped on us by others who treated us dishonorably, to the point that we have become numb to the cries of others when they shout “I need you” or “please help me.” We bear the grief of being so shut down emotionally, so afraid of our feelings, so terrified of being vulnerable that we can’t even say “me too” when someone says, “I love you.”
It has been hard to bear that last one. It happened several weeks ago, as I lay in a hospital bed, saying good bye to a dear friend who had come to visit. As he left I offered those sacred words, “I love you,” and got nothing in return. Not even “me too,” which is a pretty catchy two-word phrase for those who are so uncomfortable sharing how they really feel. Getting no response simply added to the weight I was already bearing.
I was coming out of a two and half week hospital stay that included a week of being “gravely ill,” which is another way of saying I had been so ill at one point I was “dancing with the veil,” and my soul was contemplating a “grave” of its own. I know that sounds blunt, and that’s how life is sometimes. What I recall in those other places I visited while not fully conscious I think is termed “near-death” by science. I was “near” a lot of things. It has also brought me nearer to a few things I hold so dear – including what it means to “belong” to each other.
Heal thyself
When I said “I love you” and got no reply, my mind immediately started rolodexing all the ways I thought I wasn’t lovable in about 3 nanoseconds. Never mind the lifetime of other ways that had been demonstrated and the myriad of experiences that continue to show me how loved I am. For a moment I was transfixed on what was is so hard to bear in life – that indeed I have done things that I thought made me unlovable.
Sadly we have become a society that is obsessed with, and dare I say addicted to, self-help. Self-improvement represents a $10 billion per year industry in the U.S. alone. Those who buy self-help books will purchase another and another, creating a continuous stream of self-help investments in the form of books, manuals, workshops and retreats. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for each of us becoming more aware of our internal dialogues, healing our wounds, and basically trying to be little bit happier in life – to know how loved and lovable we are. I just think maybe we’ve become consumed with it. We have gotten self-centered with all our self-help “help.” Seems hypocritical to talk about self-help this way, given the nature of my own work, but that’s OK, I can talk about myself – I’ve self-helped myself enough to learn how to do it.
In our zeal to help ourselves, to rid ourselves of demons and to know we are lovable, divine, perfect, whole – whatever you are searching to experience, often means removing everything that gets in the way of knowing that. The irony is that there is no end to the things that get in the way. Windows get dirty, iron rusts, plants come and go, and humans can be especially good at getting in the way! We want to clean those windows so we might see life and ourselves more clearly, right?. And how do we clean those windows? For me very simply. Express yourself.
We teach what we need to learn
When we express ourselves it’s different than just thinking. Notice the difference between thinking I love you and saying I love you. Expressing ourselves helps us live, it makes things real, gets everything out of the way. Ever heard the phrase, “we teach what we need to learn?” Same principle with expressing ourselves. We express what we need to know. The catch to this little system is that we don’t always express ourselves in ways others can hear what we are truly saying, because everyone else is cleaning their windows too, and maybe not stopping to actually look through the window.
For instance, think of the last time you were triggered by what someone said or did. It could be a big trigger, or very small. Maybe an argument, even shouting, name calling, tears, or perhaps just silent suffering. As you listen to their words that caused you pain echo in your mind, guess what? They were saying two things. “I can’t love you right now,” and “Someone please love me.” The first thing seems obvious. If someone is mad at me, or frustrated or even has decided to not be in relationship with me, it simply means they aren’t in a place to love me right now. It doesn’t mean they never did, or never will, it simply means they are not able to demonstrate it – “I can’t love you right now in a way that makes sense for you.”
Now don’t read too far into that. Put down that self-help book, and stop thinking so much. That’s what it means – period. Just acknowledge who and how they are being. PERIOD. It is in NO WAY a statement of value about you. But we have gotten good at taking it on, years of practice I imagine, of listening and being in the presence of someone else’s shortcomings and making it mean we have failed or if we were ________ enough, they wouldn’t be acting this way. Like I said, it’s practice. They are expressing themselves to us in a way that is not very graceful or in the most inviting way, but always in a way that if we follow our heart, stay present, we can be a catalyst for each of us knowing we are loved and lovable.
Countless times throughout my life I have been the person screaming, “I can’t love you right now!” I know this, I am not immune to the things that dirty up my windows. I have been unfaithful, unmerciful, unwilling and unwise, but I have never been unloved. Put down that self-help book, and simply acknowledge the times you have said or done something that was really saying, “Someone please love me!” Do you honestly think we act in ways that are lacking compassion and kindness because we want to? Of course not, we have simply forgotten we belong to each other and desperately need the person in front of us to love us.
Somebody please love me
To speak out loud the ways we have been less than our shiniest self will not make it come true, it simply gives voice to what you already know, but think that if you say it someone might “really see you.” EXACTLY! They will see you. They will see ALL of you, and be able to love you even more. You knowing you are loved will shift from simply being an idea or notion embedded to the embodiment of that which you seek from all those self-help avenues. Our goal is immersion in our human condition, not excellence, so that we might stay as alive for as long as possible. The longer we stay with what’s alive, no matter how uncomfortable, the more we will experience that we have never been unloved.
What about the second thing? “Somebody please love me.” I have to remember whatever someone is expressing of themselves, it is all in service to coming back to that incorruptible spot that is God, that is the center of love – IF there is someone around willing to stand and hold that space while I find my way back. In case it wasn’t clear, THAT’S YOU – and me. The more hurtful our words and actions, the louder someone is screaming “SOMEONE LOVE ME!” It becomes a demand, not just a request. So what are we waiting for?
I have challenged people over the years, probably my family and those closest to me more than anyone else, to just love me. And no matter how many times I demonstrate I am unreachable, unsure, shut down, cruel, distant, unfair, and even had days I thought I was unfit for grace and blessings – guess what, I have never been unloved. And neither have you.
Whether you know it or not, there’s a thread of belonging that lets us know we are loved and lovable, and in the storms of life that thread gets cut. Sometimes someone intentionally cuts it – but do we let it go? The next time someone is expressing “I can’t love you… please love me” do you cut that thread, or do you set out to mend it? Because we are never done mending and braiding that thread that is connected to that incorruptible place of grace. We are always the weaver and the woven one. To hold tight to that thread is the first step toward answering the plea “please love me.”
When someone says, “I love you,” respond. Please. They need to hear it, they need to connect to that thread of life. We bear so much in life that is heart-wrenching. Let’s become a world bearing the weight of knowing just how lovable we are. Go find someone and be willing to speak out loud the times you have expressed yourself in challenging ways – it cleans your window. Then let them know you have seen when they have been broken, distant, selfish, unteachable, and they have never been unloved. It takes no special training, degrees, certifications or special knowledge for your heart to find that thread and share it because that thread of belonging is see-able in the light of being. So go be.
Click Here to Visit Kelly Isola’s Blog
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Weekly Liturgy
We bear so much in life that is heart-wrenching. Let’s become a world bearing the weight of knowing just how lovable we are.
READ ON ...
Recently I was gravely ill… I heard my mom use that adjective with someone a few weeks ago when explaining what I had been through. Heavy, burdensome, hard to bear – these are all ways to define the root of the word, and all things I am experiencing. Mostly the “hard to bear” part lately.
When you think about things that are hard to bear, what comes to mind? For me, I look around the world and there is a never-ending supply of things that are hard to bear… war, starvation, environmental destruction, sex slave trade and so on. Honestly though I don’t have to look that far, because right in my own backyard there are things I see and experience that are hard to bear. Illiteracy, unemployment, addictions of all kinds, loneliness, and spiritual wastelands in so many people I meet. It is hard to bear. But we bear all these things – and then some – don’t we.
What’s hard to bear
We bear that fact that we are lonely and don’t tell anyone. We bear the weight of the death of loved ones and smile for the world that we are OK. We bear the heaviness of being trapped in meaningless jobs or loveless relationships because we need to keep a roof over our head and think that what we have is better than nothing. We bear the load of emptiness that plagues our hearts because we have come to believe we don’t matter. We bear the pressure of thinking we aren’t good enough, and if we do more or be more somehow that will make us lovable and “ok.” We bear the overwhelming cloud of staying closed off because “I don’t want to bother anyone” with my heaviness, or intimacy is so terrifying I would rather be alone then let you in to see me in all my glory and ugliness.
We bear the cumbersome guilt at the end of the day knowing we could have been more compassionate, loving or open. We bear the burden of shame heaped on us by others who treated us dishonorably, to the point that we have become numb to the cries of others when they shout “I need you” or “please help me.” We bear the grief of being so shut down emotionally, so afraid of our feelings, so terrified of being vulnerable that we can’t even say “me too” when someone says, “I love you.”
It has been hard to bear that last one. It happened several weeks ago, as I lay in a hospital bed, saying good bye to a dear friend who had come to visit. As he left I offered those sacred words, “I love you,” and got nothing in return. Not even “me too,” which is a pretty catchy two-word phrase for those who are so uncomfortable sharing how they really feel. Getting no response simply added to the weight I was already bearing.
I was coming out of a two and half week hospital stay that included a week of being “gravely ill,” which is another way of saying I had been so ill at one point I was “dancing with the veil,” and my soul was contemplating a “grave” of its own. I know that sounds blunt, and that’s how life is sometimes. What I recall in those other places I visited while not fully conscious I think is termed “near-death” by science. I was “near” a lot of things. It has also brought me nearer to a few things I hold so dear – including what it means to “belong” to each other.
Heal thyself
When I said “I love you” and got no reply, my mind immediately started rolodexing all the ways I thought I wasn’t lovable in about 3 nanoseconds. Never mind the lifetime of other ways that had been demonstrated and the myriad of experiences that continue to show me how loved I am. For a moment I was transfixed on what was is so hard to bear in life – that indeed I have done things that I thought made me unlovable.
Sadly we have become a society that is obsessed with, and dare I say addicted to, self-help. Self-improvement represents a $10 billion per year industry in the U.S. alone. Those who buy self-help books will purchase another and another, creating a continuous stream of self-help investments in the form of books, manuals, workshops and retreats. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for each of us becoming more aware of our internal dialogues, healing our wounds, and basically trying to be little bit happier in life – to know how loved and lovable we are. I just think maybe we’ve become consumed with it. We have gotten self-centered with all our self-help “help.” Seems hypocritical to talk about self-help this way, given the nature of my own work, but that’s OK, I can talk about myself – I’ve self-helped myself enough to learn how to do it.
In our zeal to help ourselves, to rid ourselves of demons and to know we are lovable, divine, perfect, whole – whatever you are searching to experience, often means removing everything that gets in the way of knowing that. The irony is that there is no end to the things that get in the way. Windows get dirty, iron rusts, plants come and go, and humans can be especially good at getting in the way! We want to clean those windows so we might see life and ourselves more clearly, right?. And how do we clean those windows? For me very simply. Express yourself.
We teach what we need to learn
When we express ourselves it’s different than just thinking. Notice the difference between thinking I love you and saying I love you. Expressing ourselves helps us live, it makes things real, gets everything out of the way. Ever heard the phrase, “we teach what we need to learn?” Same principle with expressing ourselves. We express what we need to know. The catch to this little system is that we don’t always express ourselves in ways others can hear what we are truly saying, because everyone else is cleaning their windows too, and maybe not stopping to actually look through the window.
For instance, think of the last time you were triggered by what someone said or did. It could be a big trigger, or very small. Maybe an argument, even shouting, name calling, tears, or perhaps just silent suffering. As you listen to their words that caused you pain echo in your mind, guess what? They were saying two things. “I can’t love you right now,” and “Someone please love me.” The first thing seems obvious. If someone is mad at me, or frustrated or even has decided to not be in relationship with me, it simply means they aren’t in a place to love me right now. It doesn’t mean they never did, or never will, it simply means they are not able to demonstrate it – “I can’t love you right now in a way that makes sense for you.”
Now don’t read too far into that. Put down that self-help book, and stop thinking so much. That’s what it means – period. Just acknowledge who and how they are being. PERIOD. It is in NO WAY a statement of value about you. But we have gotten good at taking it on, years of practice I imagine, of listening and being in the presence of someone else’s shortcomings and making it mean we have failed or if we were ________ enough, they wouldn’t be acting this way. Like I said, it’s practice. They are expressing themselves to us in a way that is not very graceful or in the most inviting way, but always in a way that if we follow our heart, stay present, we can be a catalyst for each of us knowing we are loved and lovable.
Countless times throughout my life I have been the person screaming, “I can’t love you right now!” I know this, I am not immune to the things that dirty up my windows. I have been unfaithful, unmerciful, unwilling and unwise, but I have never been unloved. Put down that self-help book, and simply acknowledge the times you have said or done something that was really saying, “Someone please love me!” Do you honestly think we act in ways that are lacking compassion and kindness because we want to? Of course not, we have simply forgotten we belong to each other and desperately need the person in front of us to love us.
Somebody please love me
To speak out loud the ways we have been less than our shiniest self will not make it come true, it simply gives voice to what you already know, but think that if you say it someone might “really see you.” EXACTLY! They will see you. They will see ALL of you, and be able to love you even more. You knowing you are loved will shift from simply being an idea or notion embedded to the embodiment of that which you seek from all those self-help avenues. Our goal is immersion in our human condition, not excellence, so that we might stay as alive for as long as possible. The longer we stay with what’s alive, no matter how uncomfortable, the more we will experience that we have never been unloved.
What about the second thing? “Somebody please love me.” I have to remember whatever someone is expressing of themselves, it is all in service to coming back to that incorruptible spot that is God, that is the center of love – IF there is someone around willing to stand and hold that space while I find my way back. In case it wasn’t clear, THAT’S YOU – and me. The more hurtful our words and actions, the louder someone is screaming “SOMEONE LOVE ME!” It becomes a demand, not just a request. So what are we waiting for?
I have challenged people over the years, probably my family and those closest to me more than anyone else, to just love me. And no matter how many times I demonstrate I am unreachable, unsure, shut down, cruel, distant, unfair, and even had days I thought I was unfit for grace and blessings – guess what, I have never been unloved. And neither have you.
Whether you know it or not, there’s a thread of belonging that lets us know we are loved and lovable, and in the storms of life that thread gets cut. Sometimes someone intentionally cuts it – but do we let it go? The next time someone is expressing “I can’t love you… please love me” do you cut that thread, or do you set out to mend it? Because we are never done mending and braiding that thread that is connected to that incorruptible place of grace. We are always the weaver and the woven one. To hold tight to that thread is the first step toward answering the plea “please love me.”
When someone says, “I love you,” respond. Please. They need to hear it, they need to connect to that thread of life. We bear so much in life that is heart-wrenching. Let’s become a world bearing the weight of knowing just how lovable we are. Go find someone and be willing to speak out loud the times you have expressed yourself in challenging ways – it cleans your window. Then let them know you have seen when they have been broken, distant, selfish, unteachable, and they have never been unloved. It takes no special training, degrees, certifications or special knowledge for your heart to find that thread and share it because that thread of belonging is see-able in the light of being. So go be.
Click Here to Visit Kelly Isola’s Blog
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Weekly Liturgy
Week of: April 17th, 2016
Weddings
It’s easy to miss the fact that what really matters, the heart and purpose of the whole gathering, is a few heartfelt words usually said toward the end ...
READ ON ... Weddings have become in many cases amazingly elaborate productions. It’s easy to miss the fact that what really matters, the heart and purpose of the whole gathering, is a few heartfelt words usually said toward the end of the ceremony. Pledges and vows expressed out loud, witnessed by the people who mean the most to the bride and groom. All the rest is decoration!
We Wish You Love
We wish you love, like soft and kindly blessings
We savor from a fire’s gentle glow;
Reminding us that life is good and friendly,
That warmth and tenderness can always flow. read more
We Wish You Love by George Stuart
We wish you love, like soft and kindly blessings
We savor from a fire’s gentle glow;
Reminding us that life is good and friendly,
That warmth and tenderness can always flow.
We wish you love, like all consuming fury,
When fire rages out of all control;
Reminding us of passionate excitement
When we are joined in body, mind and soul.
We wish you love, like purifying fire,
As it refines with ‘purging’ in its heat;
Reminding us that all which is offensive
Does not belong when loving is complete.
We wish you love, like fire burning brightly,
Giving the light on which we can depend;
Reminding us that loving is a beacon,
Guiding and leading to a brighter end.
In all our loving God is surely active;
When we receive it God is also there.
Lives are enriched when love burns unrestricted;
We wish you love, the priceless gift to share.
Tune: O Perfect Love
-------
Worship Materials: Marriage Service Resources
From time immemorial the circle has been a symbol of inclusiveness
and unity. It is an image of the inter-wovenness of nature and
of the one human family to which we all belong. read more
Worship Materials: Marriage Service Resources
From the Celebrating Mystery collection by William L. Wallace
HYMNS
In the wonder of love. (BL)
O God of all new visions. (BL)
This is the day our spirits shall dance.
http://www.methodist.org.nz/resources/hymns/the_mystery_telling
In the wonder found in loving.
Singing the Sacred Vol 1 2011 World Library Publications
MARRIAGE VOWS
(the parents stand)
Celebrant: As well as bringing into being a legal relationship between A and B it also creates a new relationship between them and their parents. Do you as parents accept this new relationship and the changes it will bring in your life?
Parents: WE DO
(the remainder of the congregation stands):
Celebrant: Do you the friends and relations offer your support and encouragement to A and B
Response: WE DO
The Couple
I A take you B to be my legal husband/wife.
It is my firm intention to make this a lasting relationship based on
trust and acceptance. I will seek to offer love, to share power,
to create understanding and to delight in living with you,
my dear friend and lover.
PREFACE TO THE GIVING AND RECEIVING OF THE RINGS OR RING
From time immemorial the circle has been a symbol of inclusiveness and unity. It is an image of the inter-wovenness of nature and of the one human family to which we all belong. In this celebration the rings which A and B are to exchange speak of the commitment of their relationship in the past, in the present and in the days that lie ahead. May these rings serve as a constant reminder to them of the steadfastness and delight of love.
PRAYERS
TRADITIONAL FORM OF PRAYER
Most compassionate God, source of all loving relationships, may our sharing in this act of worship enable us all to grow beyond manipulation and dependency to that way of living which enhances the intimacy and solitude of every human being; in the manner of Jesus Christ through the life giving power of the Spirit. AMEN
ANOTHER FORM OF PRAYER
(slowly and with times of silence)
Let us relax . . be still . . . be in touch
With all that is deepest within us
The point of connection . .
The point of oneness . .
Oneness with the earth,
with plants and animals,
with other people.
Let us determine to trust
What is deepest within us,
Whatever name we may give that mystery,
Committing ourselves
to the journey of our spirituality
to delighting in life,
to the constructive use of our grief,
to learning from our mistakes,
to forgiving those who have wronged us,
and to live life with more peacefulness,
fire and compassion
than ever before
for the sake of ourselves,
for the sake of others
and for the sake of the earth itself. AMEN.
BENEDICTION
Now may we with delight live in that love which surrounds us,
which is within us and which connects us to all that was and is,
through the power of God’s transforming processes. AMEN
AN INCLUSIVE GRACE FOR THE WEDDING MEAL
Let us give thanks
For earth, our mother, who nurtures us;
For the sky, our father, who widens our vision to the place of mystery;
For the sea, the womb of our living;
For the sunrise and sunset, signs of eternal beginnings and endings;
For our participation in the cycles of nature which this food reflects,
And for the friendship and love which this meal
both symbolizes and facilitates. AMEN.
LOGO NOTE: At the heart of the mystery all the separate boxes disappear and all is one, all is love.
Text and graphic © William Livingstone Wallace but available for free use.
Weddings
It’s easy to miss the fact that what really matters, the heart and purpose of the whole gathering, is a few heartfelt words usually said toward the end ...
READ ON ... Weddings have become in many cases amazingly elaborate productions. It’s easy to miss the fact that what really matters, the heart and purpose of the whole gathering, is a few heartfelt words usually said toward the end of the ceremony. Pledges and vows expressed out loud, witnessed by the people who mean the most to the bride and groom. All the rest is decoration!
We Wish You Love
We wish you love, like soft and kindly blessings
We savor from a fire’s gentle glow;
Reminding us that life is good and friendly,
That warmth and tenderness can always flow. read more
We Wish You Love by George Stuart
We wish you love, like soft and kindly blessings
We savor from a fire’s gentle glow;
Reminding us that life is good and friendly,
That warmth and tenderness can always flow.
We wish you love, like all consuming fury,
When fire rages out of all control;
Reminding us of passionate excitement
When we are joined in body, mind and soul.
We wish you love, like purifying fire,
As it refines with ‘purging’ in its heat;
Reminding us that all which is offensive
Does not belong when loving is complete.
We wish you love, like fire burning brightly,
Giving the light on which we can depend;
Reminding us that loving is a beacon,
Guiding and leading to a brighter end.
In all our loving God is surely active;
When we receive it God is also there.
Lives are enriched when love burns unrestricted;
We wish you love, the priceless gift to share.
Tune: O Perfect Love
-------
Worship Materials: Marriage Service Resources
From time immemorial the circle has been a symbol of inclusiveness
and unity. It is an image of the inter-wovenness of nature and
of the one human family to which we all belong. read more
Worship Materials: Marriage Service Resources
From the Celebrating Mystery collection by William L. Wallace
HYMNS
In the wonder of love. (BL)
O God of all new visions. (BL)
This is the day our spirits shall dance.
http://www.methodist.org.nz/resources/hymns/the_mystery_telling
In the wonder found in loving.
Singing the Sacred Vol 1 2011 World Library Publications
MARRIAGE VOWS
(the parents stand)
Celebrant: As well as bringing into being a legal relationship between A and B it also creates a new relationship between them and their parents. Do you as parents accept this new relationship and the changes it will bring in your life?
Parents: WE DO
(the remainder of the congregation stands):
Celebrant: Do you the friends and relations offer your support and encouragement to A and B
Response: WE DO
The Couple
I A take you B to be my legal husband/wife.
It is my firm intention to make this a lasting relationship based on
trust and acceptance. I will seek to offer love, to share power,
to create understanding and to delight in living with you,
my dear friend and lover.
PREFACE TO THE GIVING AND RECEIVING OF THE RINGS OR RING
From time immemorial the circle has been a symbol of inclusiveness and unity. It is an image of the inter-wovenness of nature and of the one human family to which we all belong. In this celebration the rings which A and B are to exchange speak of the commitment of their relationship in the past, in the present and in the days that lie ahead. May these rings serve as a constant reminder to them of the steadfastness and delight of love.
PRAYERS
TRADITIONAL FORM OF PRAYER
Most compassionate God, source of all loving relationships, may our sharing in this act of worship enable us all to grow beyond manipulation and dependency to that way of living which enhances the intimacy and solitude of every human being; in the manner of Jesus Christ through the life giving power of the Spirit. AMEN
ANOTHER FORM OF PRAYER
(slowly and with times of silence)
Let us relax . . be still . . . be in touch
With all that is deepest within us
The point of connection . .
The point of oneness . .
Oneness with the earth,
with plants and animals,
with other people.
Let us determine to trust
What is deepest within us,
Whatever name we may give that mystery,
Committing ourselves
to the journey of our spirituality
to delighting in life,
to the constructive use of our grief,
to learning from our mistakes,
to forgiving those who have wronged us,
and to live life with more peacefulness,
fire and compassion
than ever before
for the sake of ourselves,
for the sake of others
and for the sake of the earth itself. AMEN.
BENEDICTION
Now may we with delight live in that love which surrounds us,
which is within us and which connects us to all that was and is,
through the power of God’s transforming processes. AMEN
AN INCLUSIVE GRACE FOR THE WEDDING MEAL
Let us give thanks
For earth, our mother, who nurtures us;
For the sky, our father, who widens our vision to the place of mystery;
For the sea, the womb of our living;
For the sunrise and sunset, signs of eternal beginnings and endings;
For our participation in the cycles of nature which this food reflects,
And for the friendship and love which this meal
both symbolizes and facilitates. AMEN.
LOGO NOTE: At the heart of the mystery all the separate boxes disappear and all is one, all is love.
Text and graphic © William Livingstone Wallace but available for free use.
-------
Ring Poem
To eternity this moment yields
By rings imbued with covenanting power read more
Ring Poem
A Wedding Blessing by Jim Burklo
To eternity this moment yields
By rings imbued with covenanting power
Each to the other is given forth
Each from the other received
Forged in a common life
To be kept round and shining
By unconditional caresses
-------
Click on Amazon Smile and choose ProgressiveChristianity.org as your charity - when you shop Amazon donates .05%.
Events and UpdatesThe Science and Spirit of Death, Grief and Beyond
The Conference is honored to announce Bishop John Shelby Spong will be the keynote presenter. May 12th - 16th in St. Louis, MO.
READ ON ...
The Science and Spirit of Death, Grief and Beyond
Presented by: The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference
The sixth annual Afterlife Awareness Conference is honored to announce that Bishop John Shelby Spong will be the keynote presenter for 2016.
The conference focuses on the science and spirit of death and beyond, and features the world’s top experts in end-of-life care, bereavement, afterlife research and inclusive spirituality.
Featuring the best and the brightest in the fields of afterlife research, end-of-life care, bereavement and mystical approaches to a higher understanding of death and beyond..
“I love the personable nature of this conference. It’s really a good size, and the people here, in many ways, just flat-out get it.”Dr. Eben Alexander, Neurosurgeon and best-selling author of “Proof of Heaven.”
“I’ve been to many conferences that address life after death, but this one is a rarity because it approaches the subject from three different vantage points — spirituality, bereavement and scientific investigation. It is inspiring to see how these different perspectives lead to the same place… an awareness of the survival of consciousness after death. The bereaved find peace and healing. The spiritual seekers find validation for their mystical experiences. And the scientific researchers find an eager audience for their work. This conference brings it all together.” Dr. Raymond Moody, best-selling author of “Life After Life,” the world’s leading researcher on near-death experience
Keynote Speakers
To eternity this moment yields
By rings imbued with covenanting power read more
Ring Poem
A Wedding Blessing by Jim Burklo
To eternity this moment yields
By rings imbued with covenanting power
Each to the other is given forth
Each from the other received
Forged in a common life
To be kept round and shining
By unconditional caresses
-------
Click on Amazon Smile and choose ProgressiveChristianity.org as your charity - when you shop Amazon donates .05%.
Events and UpdatesThe Science and Spirit of Death, Grief and Beyond
The Conference is honored to announce Bishop John Shelby Spong will be the keynote presenter. May 12th - 16th in St. Louis, MO.
READ ON ...
The Science and Spirit of Death, Grief and Beyond
Presented by: The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference
The sixth annual Afterlife Awareness Conference is honored to announce that Bishop John Shelby Spong will be the keynote presenter for 2016.
The conference focuses on the science and spirit of death and beyond, and features the world’s top experts in end-of-life care, bereavement, afterlife research and inclusive spirituality.
Featuring the best and the brightest in the fields of afterlife research, end-of-life care, bereavement and mystical approaches to a higher understanding of death and beyond..
“I love the personable nature of this conference. It’s really a good size, and the people here, in many ways, just flat-out get it.”Dr. Eben Alexander, Neurosurgeon and best-selling author of “Proof of Heaven.”
“I’ve been to many conferences that address life after death, but this one is a rarity because it approaches the subject from three different vantage points — spirituality, bereavement and scientific investigation. It is inspiring to see how these different perspectives lead to the same place… an awareness of the survival of consciousness after death. The bereaved find peace and healing. The spiritual seekers find validation for their mystical experiences. And the scientific researchers find an eager audience for their work. This conference brings it all together.” Dr. Raymond Moody, best-selling author of “Life After Life,” the world’s leading researcher on near-death experience
Keynote Speakers
Pim Van Lommell MD is a cardiologist known for his research on near-death experiences in cardiac arrest cases. He has authored numerous scholarly articles and is the recipient of the Dr. Bruce Greyson Research Award from International Association of Near-Death Studies, and a Lifetime Achievement Award from the World Congress on Clinical and Preventive Cardiology. He will discuss the resuts of his research, the elements commonly experienced in NDEs, and the future of NDE studies.
Bishop Spong, visionary Episcopal bishop and champion of an inclusive spirituality that rejects Biblical literalism. His best-selling books include The Sins of Scripture: Exposing the Bible’s Texts of Hate to Discover the God of Love, and Eternal Life: A New Vision: Beyond Religion, Beyond Theism, Beyond Heaven and Hell. In his presentation, he will discuss the origins of fear-based religious beliefs about death and the afterlife, and the importance of furthering the idea of a non-religious, non-dogmatic, non-judgmental hereafter. Watch this astonishing video
Composer Gary Malkin is a multiple Emmy, Clio and ASCAP award winner whose music for Graceful Passages: A Companion for Living and Dying is used in hospices worldwide to assist the dying in peaceful transitions. He has lectured and demonstrated the power of music for healing at universities, hospitals and corporations that include Google, Harvard’s Conference on Spirituality and Health, Kaiser Permanente, and The Institute for Functional Medicine.
Where mystics, medics, scholars and spiritualists gather to share their wisdom
Where shamans break bread with scientists to create common ground
Where sacred ceremonies and inter-dimensional encounters are an everyday affair
In-Depth Workshops Featuring:
Jeff Black MD, MDiv – Psychiatry Meets Shamanism: Mystical Practices for Working With Loss and Trauma, and Mind, Body and Spirit Medicine
Suzane Northrop – Recognizing, Fine-Tuning and Sharing your Intuitive Gifts
Rev. Terri Daniel and Linda Fitch – Grief as a Mystical Journey
Dr. Sue Morter – Workshop to Clear Emotional Blockages that Inhibit Access to the Transcendent Self
William Peters, MFT, M.Ed – The Anatomy of a Shared-Death Experience
Rev. Olivia Bareham – Workshop on Planning a Home Funeral
Pre-Conference Workshops:
The Quintessential Soul – with Austyn Wells
Death as a Rite of Passage – with Kitty Edwards
Grief Yoga – with Paul Denniston
Click Here For a List of Break-Out Sessions
Images
In-Depth Workshops Featuring:
Jeff Black MD, MDiv – Psychiatry Meets Shamanism: Mystical Practices for Working With Loss and Trauma, and Mind, Body and Spirit Medicine
Suzane Northrop – Recognizing, Fine-Tuning and Sharing your Intuitive Gifts
Rev. Terri Daniel and Linda Fitch – Grief as a Mystical Journey
Dr. Sue Morter – Workshop to Clear Emotional Blockages that Inhibit Access to the Transcendent Self
William Peters, MFT, M.Ed – The Anatomy of a Shared-Death Experience
Rev. Olivia Bareham – Workshop on Planning a Home Funeral
Pre-Conference Workshops:
The Quintessential Soul – with Austyn Wells
Death as a Rite of Passage – with Kitty Edwards
Grief Yoga – with Paul Denniston
Click Here For a List of Break-Out Sessions
Images
Start:
May 12, 2016
End:
May 15, 2016
Location:
The Sheraton Westport Chalet Hotel
191 Westport Plaza, St
St. Louis MO
Organization:
The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference
Website:
http://www.afterlifeconference.com/
Email:
office@afterlifeconference.com
Telephone:
503-908-8633
View all upcoming events here!
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