I “get” suicide. I understand the hopelessness that fueled Robin Williams’ depression. I wish—really wish—that I could have been with him early that morning to talk about hope in spite of despair. However, I would not have made false promises of no more darkness.A friend’s recent post on Facebook read; “I cried today for no apparent reason.” Things look different to depressed people—people seem different, events feel different, the future never stops being hazy. Even with nearly fifteen years of ongoing therapy and twenty-five years of medication—not to mention the relentless love of God that pursues me daily—depression for some of us is just under the skin every minute. Even through pockets of near breakdown, God has kept me alive and relatively sane all of my life beginning when I had not even heard the word “depression.”
Growing up my family can best be described as bizarre. My mother’s bi-polar disorder was undiagnosed and never controlled. At my birth she tried to talk my dad into giving me up for adoption—the beginning of a life-long denial of my existence. When my father, who was a pastor, refused she made him promise that she would never have to take care of me nor participate in my upbringing. He would later tell me that he assumed complete care of me as an infant. She never fed nor bathed nor changed me unless in public when she would suddenly become the consummate mother. I do not remember her calling me by my name or ever touching me except in rage. Even sixty years later I cringe when I think of her anger toward me, which was accompanied by repeated beatings. I had every opportunity to develop a much more complex mental challenge than just depression!
When I was five years old something happened with my parents’ relationship, and mom dismissed dad from her bedroom. So, he came to sleep with me which he did until I was sixteen years old. My world was so convoluted that I found no problem with his preaching on Sunday mornings and molesting me Sunday nights.
When I was fifteen years old we were living in San Diego, California. It was at the height of the Korean conflict, and San Diego was teeming with sailors. God’s grace brought one of them to my church. It was love at first sight for both of us. A month after my sixteenth birthday we were married. We had our first baby when I was 18, the next when I was 19 and the last one when I was 27—all sons. We were part of a great church where I had opportunities to play piano every Sunday and teach occasionally. My husband’s career was going well, and for five decades I maintained a relatively stable life.
Then the crash came. Overnight I couldn’t stop crying; I wanted to die. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where I began the long journey of therapy and medication. That was in April, 2000. I spent the next thirteen years out of ministry as I had known it, allowing God to heal my mind, my body, my soul, and my spirit.
Today I can honestly declare that these days are the best I have experienced in my adult life. I have fulfilling ministry opportunities, basically no financial concerns, and incredibly good health. Roy and I are approaching 60 years together, and all of our family members love Jesus.
I feel sorry for the people who ask me if I’m “over” my feelings of depression because they never get the answer they want.
Have I been delivered from my depression? No.
Am I joyful? Yes.
Mostly.
Some of the time.
I am convinced I have the “gift” of depression to keep my pride in check and to be able to empathize with others who hurt in ways I can’t comprehend.
Does my faith in God sustain me through the darkness? Yes.
Is God enough? Yes
Absolutely.
All of the time
According to Hebrews 13:5, God Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” His word has never promised heaven on earth, but He has promised to be with me to enable me to smile, to get up each morning—though struggling sometimes, and to maintain an unwavering hope that someday I will be emotionally whole. Meanwhile, I trust Him because I just decide to, and that is enough.
Annesley writers will explore Jesus as our rescuer through the season of Advent this year- the next four weeks. Miriam’s post this week sets the stage beautifully; we are all people in need of a Savior.
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