Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Lewis Center for Church Leadership of The Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, D.C., United States for Wednesday, 2 August 2017 "Leading Ideas: Difficult Conversations | Beyond Hospitality to Inclusion"

Lewis Center for Church Leadership of The Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, D.C., United States for Wednesday, 2 August 2017 "Leading Ideas: Difficult Conversations | Beyond Hospitality to Inclusion"
Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Difficult Conversations
Olu Brown, founding pastor of the fast-growing Impact Church in Atlanta, says that difficult conversations just come with the territory if you are a leader. He recommends confronting these situations with honesty, whether the difficult conversation is with yourself, others, or with God.
Leadership is filled with a series of difficult conversations! I have tried to avoid difficult conversations and I secretly admire people who are able to lead them with ease. As a leader, I realized that difficult conversations were frequent, for any number of reasons — staff concerns, volunteer systems, ordering equipment, or lack of morale. The subjects of difficult conversations were truly all over the map. I was frustrated, not with the need to have the conversations, but with my unwillingness and lack of courage in leading difficult conversations. I finally understood that I had to become stronger as a leader, develop better communication skills, and learn to open my mouth and speak to my pharaohs.
I have found that the best solution in these situations is to be honest with myself and with the person(s) to whom I’m talking. I start the conversation with my concerns, fears, and doubts.
Have you ever wished that those who loved you and cared for you the most would have told you that life at its best is filled with a series of difficult conversations that lead to even more difficult conversations? Or maybe they did tell you, or tried to, but you just didn’t listen. I remember reading how Jethro helped Moses understand that he could not avoid tough interactions with others.
But you should also look among all the people for the capable persons who respect God. They should be trustworthy and not corrupt. Set these persons over the people as officers of groups of thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens. Let them sit as judges for the people at all times. They should bring every major dispute to you, but they should decide all of the minor cases themselves. This will be much easier for you, and they will share your load. (Exodus 18:21 – 22)
Wow! This advice is profoundly wise — guiding Moses to how he should delegate power and authority. However, hidden in this wisdom is a sharp reality: “They should bring every major dispute to you.” In plain print, there it is — difficult conversations. Jethro helped Moses understand that although others could represent him in small cases, he still had the ultimate responsibility to handle the more complex ones. Leaders who avoid or try to delegate difficult conversations will never reach their fullest potential. They will keep the organizations they lead from reaching their greatest capacity as well. They will also stunt the growth of others.
In most cases, these difficult conversations come in three categories.
1. Conversations with selfMore and more I believe the real challenge of leadership is being able to clear the surround-sound noise and focus on the truth and the God choice. Most people hear the God choice, but they also hear many other choices. Sometimes young people get off track, and older adults as well, because they aren’t able to concentrate only on God’s voice. Over the years I have been able to clarify the noise from the real voice, but there are times when this isn’t easy.
2. Conversations with othersAfter you conquer difficult conversations with self, then you must conquer having difficult conversations with other people. These discussions always come with the most dynamic and interesting circumstances. In most cases as a leader, I have found that these conversations revolve around vision alignment and expectations. Perhaps, because my job description is heavily weighted toward talking publicly, you may think that I would also be gifted in talking one-on-one and with small groups. Actually, I bomb in these two areas because, no matter how much I rehearse the words and phrases in my head, they never seem to come out right. I feel embarrassed when I mix up my words. Like Moses, “I can’t talk” or “I am afraid to talk.” I have found that the best solution in these situations is to be honest with myself and with the person(s) to whom I’m talking. I start the conversation with my concerns, fears, and doubts. These confessions tend to release some of the tension in the atmosphere (at least for me) and allow the real words and phrases that I want to speak to flow. Here’s how the beginning of such a difficult conversation may sound:
Thank you for meeting with me today. I want to start by saying that this is a challenging discussion for me to have with you. I appreciate and value you so much that I am willing to overcome my fears for this needed discussion. Thank you for listening to me, and I promise to listen to you.
There it is. Easy? Well, maybe not so much, but I believe that if I can do it, so can you. Now it’s time for you to practice. List three people with whom you need to have difficult conversations. List the subject, preferred location for the conversation, desired outcome, and date to have the conversation. Now that you have completed this task, pray and ask God to give you strength to go for it and have the difficult conversation.
3. Conversations with GodFinally, my conversations with God over the years have been phenomenal, but not always easy. Some people believe they can hear God’s audible voice, and some believe that we only “hear” God through nature and through the wisdom of others. I believe we can hear God speaking in whatever form is necessary for us to receive and understand. Through my life, I have been blessed to hear God’s voice in multiple ways, even including God’s audible voice. My struggles have not been regarding hearing God, but actually doing what God was telling me to do or going where God was telling me to go. Like Moses I have used every excuse in the world as I have met God at my numerous burning bushes. However, no matter my excuse(s), God always offered a solution. These challenging interactions with God have helped to create my spirituality and soul’s formation. Today, I am better and wiser because of these difficult conversations that I’ve had over the years with myself, others, and God.
Adapted from Leadership Directions from Moses: On the Way to a Promised Land (Abingdon Press, 2017) by Olu Brown. Used by Permission. The book is available at Cokesbury, Amazon, and olubrown.com.
Related Resources:
Beyond Hospitality to Inclusion by David R. Brubaker
David Brubaker says that most congregations are quick to welcome newcomers but slow to extend a much deeper form of acceptance -- genuine inclusion in the life of the community. Inclusion is an adaptive challenge, but one that is essential to congregational growth.
Nearly every congregation wants to perceive itself as an open community that welcomes newcomers. Yet congregational leaders often say, “People visit a few times, but they don’t stay!” Why do congregations experience this so often?
A hospitable congregation welcomes visitors in formal and informal ways, showing visitors that existing members are glad that they’ve come. Handshakes are offered and introductions made, and (when the hospitality is genuine) the visitor leaves feeling that his or her presence was truly appreciated.
While hospitality is important and wonderful, genuine inclusion is foundational to congregational vitality. No congregation can grow without being both hospitable and inclusive.
Most congregations do reasonably well at hospitality — at least with people whose identity fits the general profile of the congregation. I’ve visited more than 100 congregations over the last three decades in various roles, and have generally felt warmly welcomed when I entered the doors of the congregation. A surprising number of congregations have “greeters” (either formally designated or informally self-appointed) who are on the lookout for new arrivals.
Inclusion of new members
Hospitality is one thing; genuine inclusion is something else altogether. Having been welcomed into a congregation offers no assurance that a visitor will also be fully included. While hospitality is generally extended to visitors, inclusion is a much deeper form of acceptance. Warm hospitality may entice me to give the congregation a second visit. But only genuine inclusion will convince me to remain part of the community. I will stay if I feel I truly belong. Most congregations struggle not with hospitality but with inclusion. We are quick to welcome but slow to include.
There are three telltale signs of inclusion: First, newcomers are integrated into smaller groups that invite their full participation. Second, newcomers are encouraged to share their gifts and story with others in the congregation. Third, the participation of the newcomers in the life of the congregation begins to impact the congregation’s culture and structure.
Inclusion and adaptation
Hospitality requires no adaptation on the part of the congregation. (Friendliness and welcoming, yes, but no deep change.) Inclusion is quite different. When a congregation begins to integrate people from a racial group or socio-economic status different from its own dominant culture, it usually must adapt its way of being to be genuinely inclusive. Modes of worship may need to broaden. Methods of decision-making may need to change. And interaction patterns among members may need to evolve.
A striking example of such adaptation is found in the 6th chapter of the Book of Acts in the Christian Scriptures. As Greek-speakers are incorporated into what had been an almost entirely Aramaic-speaking community, tensions and “murmuring” result. The leaders of this new movement (known as apostles) meet and agree that a new role is needed to care for the most vulnerable members of the community (widows). A structural change is proposed and approved (a functional role of deacon), and the movement’s culture begins to change to reflect the fact that the community is no longer monolithic.
While hospitality is important and wonderful, genuine inclusion is foundational to congregational vitality. No congregation can grow without being both hospitable and inclusive.
The challenge is that genuine inclusion will inevitably require adaptive changes on the part of the congregation. New ideas will stretch the prevailing doctrines and new energies will stress the existing systems. But the alternative to genuine inclusion is inevitable decline. Congregations that refuse to include new people along with their new ways of being will inevitably discover that new people have no desire to affiliate.
Inclusion is not assimilation. Inclusion is an adaptive process whereby the newcomers adopt many of the ways of the established group, while at the same time the established culture stretches and evolves to reflect the gifts and needs of the newcomers.
Hospitality is important, but inclusion is essential to congregational growth. Any congregation can become truly inclusive — and it will need to prepare to be stretched in the process.
This article is adapted from one that was published in the Congregational Consulting Group’s e-newsletter Perspectives on May 30, 2017.
Related Resources
Read more.
The Right Question:
Leaders do not need answers. Leaders must have the right questions.
When there is an impasse in a contentious debate, a compromise is found, often one with which no one is pleased. Thomas G. Kirkpatrick suggests some questions to ask before moving to compromise, including:
  1. What is the primary issue about which we are differing?
  2. What are the goals we each seek?
  3. What other options do we have? 
Want more Right Questions? Read Right Questions for Church Leaders.
Adult Education Course: "Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense"
This ten-session course featuring biblical scholar and Anglican bishop N.T. Wright addresses questions of the reasonableness of the Christian faith in the modern world. Simply Christian is an excellent course for both established believers and seekers and is ideal for your congregation's small groups, adult Bible studies, and Sunday School classes.
Learn more now.
50 Ways to Welcome New People
One key to effective outreach is making sure that worship visitors feel truly welcome. The strategies and tips in "50 Ways to Welcome New People" will help your congregation make a good first impression and extend hospitality in meaningful ways.
One key to effective outreach is making sure that worship visitors feel truly welcome. These 50 Ways will help your congregation make a good first impression and extend hospitality in meaningful ways.
Engage your leaders and members
  1. Teach that hospitality is at the core of the Gospel.
  2. Teach your congregation to honor Christ in everyone and that God seeks to be in relationship with ALL persons.
Make a good first Impression
  1. Convey a clear invitation and a statement of welcome in all communications directed at the external community — advertisements, banners, flyers, website, etc.
  2. Know that 40% of visitors make up their mind about a church before they even see the pastor, according to Barna Research. Within two minutes of the beginning of a service visitors have formed an opinion about whether the congregation is friendly.
  3. Care for your building and grounds as a way of honoring your attendees and honoring God. A well-cared-for building demonstrates a commitment to excellence and communicates that what the church does is important.
  4. Have clear exterior and interior signage that guides visitors everywhere they need to go.
  5. Reserve special parking places for visitors. Encourage church members and staff to park offsite or in more remote spaces. If parking lot congestion is an issue, recruit volunteer parking attendants.
  6. Make your nursery clean, safe, sanitary, well-equipped, and visually appealing to children and their parents. Use a space that is easy to find and convenient to the sanctuary. Make sure your nursery workers and procedures inspire confidence on the part of parents.
  7. Make sure your restrooms and neat and clean.
Be intentional about saying hello and goodbye
  1. Station greeters at all entrances, in classroom areas, and in the parking lot or entry walks, if appropriate.
  2. Identify your greeters and ushers with a special badge or name tag so visitors who need information can easily identify them.
  3. Encourage friendly, out-going persons with the gift of “hospitality” to serve as greeters and ushers. Don’t expect that just anyone can do these jobs well. Provide regular training that helps them see the church through a visitor’s eyes.
  4. Escort newcomers to the nursery, classrooms, coffee hour, etc. Don’t just point the way or give directions.
  5. Adopt the “rule of three,” which says members will not talk to other members in the first three minutes following the service — typically how long it takes guests to exit.
  6. Enact the “circle of ten” rule — that each member will greet anyone, member or guest, who comes within ten feet of them.
  7. Say, “I don’t think we’ve met before. …” if you are not sure if the person next to you is a member or a visitor.
  8. Ask outgoing church members to sit in the pews where visitors most commonly sit, often near the entrance or in the back.
  9. Post someone at every exit to shake hands and thank people for coming. Ask worship participants (readers, music leaders, liturgists, etc.,) to do this since their faces will be familiar.
Help newcomers feel at home in worship
  1. Accept and encourage casual attire.
  2. Do not ask visitors to stand and identify themselves. Seventy percent of new attendees feel negatively about being recognized. However, they do expect people to be friendly and welcoming.
  3. Provide nametags for the whole congregation and develop the habit of wearing them. Form a “tag team” to organize and promote name tag use.
  4. Review your church bulletin and other printed material to make sure information is not “insider oriented.” Avoid church jargon and assuming that people understand the context.
  5. Make sure your order of worship is easy for a visitor to follow. Include written or verbal explanations of what is going on and why. Print the words to all prayers, songs, and responses.
  6. Sing at least one hymn each Sunday that is well known outside the church, such as “Amazing Grace,” “Joyful Joyful,” or “Morning Has Broken.”
  7. Include a welcome to visitors in the open words before the service. Make sure the person speaking identifies him or herself. It is best for the pastor to issue this welcome.
  8. Remember that visitors sometimes arrive a few minutes late. Don’t front load all the information directed at them.
  9. Place information about your church’s ministries where a visitor can easily find it — preferably in the pew, or a clearly marked location near the entry points used by visitors. Don’t expect them to go someplace else to find it.
  10. Prepare Visitors Packets to be handed out by greeters with information about your church programs.
  11. Give visitors with small children a small activity packet (with crayons, pipe cleaners, stickers, etc.) as they enter worship.
  12. Avoid all talk about money with visitors.
  13. Keep the discussion of “family business” to a minimum in the services. Limit announcements.
Follow up with your visitors
  1. Get the names and addresses of first-time visitors. Some churches use visitors’ cards, but asking ALL worshippers to record attendance makes it more likely visitors will sign. Visitors don’t want to be singled out.
  2. Make a special effort to remember visitors’ names and call them by name.
  3. Make at least one follow-up contact with first-time visitors within 24 to 36 hours of their visit — a letter from the pastor, a phone call, a hand-written note, an email message. Many churches deliver a gift, such as freshly baked cookies or a church coffee mug, to visitors’ homes. The purpose is to communicate friendliness, not get a membership commitment.
  4. Develop a system or data base for keeping track of visitors, their contact information, and the frequency of visits. A mailing list of persons who have visited in the past is one of your best marketing tools.
  5. Don’t overlook visitors who come to the church for the first time for an event other than worship.
  6. Once someone has attended three times, they should be invited to join the church with a pastoral visit and/or an invitation to take part in an inquirers or new member class.
  7. Encourage visitors to get connected with activities and groups, even if they are not ready to join.
Be more inviting
  1. Hold an Open House Sunday at least once a year.
  2. Organize a “bring-a-friend” Sunday at least once a year.
  3. Extend extra hospitality during back-to-school time, Christmas and Easter, when persons are most likely to consider visiting a church.
  4. Start a personal invitation ministry. Three out of four people attend a church for the first time because they were invited. Yet less than half of church members say they have invited someone in the last year.
  5. Provide training to members on how to invite others to church.
  6. Print special invitations to Christmas Eve services that people can deliver to friends.
  7. Plan special events — concerts, lectures, etc. — that appeal to those outside the church and that members feel comfortable inviting someone to.
  8. Have special recognition Sundays for scout groups, preschool families, or other community groups meeting in your church to encourage them to attend worship.
Become more aware of visitors and their concerns
  1. Gather feedback on how visitors respond to your church through surveys, focus groups, or interviews.
  2. Conduct a “welcome audit” annually.
  3. Provide training on welcoming at least once a year.
  4. Send your welcome team to visit other churches and report back on how they experienced their reception.

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Quotable Leadership:
It's inevitable that historical memory will fade -- but not inevitable that we lose the lessons. [Rosabeth Moss Kanter]
Learn to Welcome and Engage New People
Learn concepts and strategies to welcome and respond to your first-time and repeat visitors, reach younger generations, expand your church's entry points, and get new people involved. The New Welcome Video Tool Kit helps you open your church to new people by acknowledging the changing ways that people enter into the life of congregations.
Learn more and watch introductory videos now.
How Do New People See Your Church?
We asked church members in several states to attend nearby churches as visitors and report on their findings. Many reflected on the difficulty churches have in viewing things from the perspective of persons new to their church. The challenge is to think of everything from arrival to departure -- signage, hospitality, bulletins, and more -- from the perspective of someone who has never been to your church before.
Read more.
Connect with the Lewis Center:
Lewis Center for Church Leadership
Wesley Theological Seminary
4500 Massachusetts Avenue North West
Washington, D.C. 20016, United States
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