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Addressing conflict biblically
by the Rev. Evelyn Fisher, Congregational Excellence Director
I’ve often said that much of the New Testament might never have been written if there had not been conflict in the early church. When Christians turn to Scripture to address the subject of conflict, the first passage they often quote is Matthew 18. The focus is usually on verses 15-20:
15 “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
This is solid instruction which is easier to talk about than it is to follow.
 "Addressing conflict biblically" by Evelyn Fisher
I’ve often said that much of the New Testament might never have been written if there had not been conflict in the early church. When Christians turn to Scripture to address the subject of conflict, the first passage they often quote is Matthew 18. The focus is usually on verses 15-20:
15 “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
This is solid instruction which is easier to talk about than it is to follow. Since most of us find conflict so uncomfortable, we would prefer to complain about that brother or sister with whom we are in conflict than to approach them directly. In order to be effective in a one to one conversation, it is helpful to stay focused on the current issue. Be specific in describing the behavior that concerns you. Don’t attribute motivation to the other person: just stick with the facts. Be clear about the impact the behavior of the other person has had upon you. It’s fine to use feeling words like “hurt” or “angry” here. State clearly what you need in order to heal the relationship. Be willing to examine and acknowledge how you have contributed to the conflict. Many times, this conversation will resolve the disagreement.
If it doesn’t, Jesus instructs his followers to take one or two others to be part of the conversation. This instruction is often misinterpreted as “take a couple of other people who are on your side to convince the wrongdoer of the error of his/her ways.” The real value of third-party witnesses is that they can be objective, help those involved focus on the facts and facilitate communication. It helps if the third party has the trust of both sides.
However, there are some conflicts that are so pervasive that the whole community is involved. In these instances, it is far better to have a transparent, open process of addressing the issues than to resort to gossip in the church parking lot (social media is also not the place to comment or address the current unrest in the congregation)! At low levels of conflict and anxiety, the pastor or lay leadership can facilitate these conversations. If things are “too hot,” however, a third party facilitator is appropriate.
Some readers are disturbed by verse 17b, “If the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” We have a hard time understanding why Jesus would suggest such a thing. Remember, though, that through God’s gift of choice, some persons choose to leave relationships. The important part of the teaching is that Jesus always reached out to Gentiles and tax collectors, inviting them into the blessed community. Even when others choose to leave the relationship, we are admonished to leave the door open for reconciliation.
The verses on conflict in Matthew 18 (15-20) are best read in the context of the entire chapter. Verses 1-14 focus on the believer’s responsibility to the least and the lost. Humility is lifted up as the virtue crucial to the kingdom of heaven, and harsh consequences are predicted for those who are stumbling blocks for the more vulnerable. Verses 21-32 focus on the importance of forgiveness and contain the well-known instruction to forgive “seventy times seven.” These two “bookends” describe our posture in engaging conflict: humility and forgiveness. In this environment, we have the best opportunity to settle our differences – in the church and in the community.
Conflict in Beaver Crossing
by the Rev. Tamara Holtz
We are in the Church season of Advent rejoicing in “Hope, Peace, Joy, Love” as I remember the season of “The Mother’s Day Tornado of 2014!” The small town of Beaver Crossing, where just over four hundred people live, is one church in the rural ministry parish where I serve. Every residence was damaged by this F-3 tornado storm. Yes, conflict, clash and collision are very much a part of chaos following a natural disaster. This article celebrates a healing of a misunderstanding when an offer of hospitality echoes the “no room at the inn” lodging need.
"Conflict in Beaver Crossing" by the Rev. Tamara Holtz
We are in the Church season of Advent rejoicing in “Hope, Peace, Joy, Love” as I remember the season of “The Mother’s Day Tornado of 2014!” The small town of Beaver Crossing, where just over four hundred people live, is one church in the rural ministry parish where I serve. Every residence was damaged by this F-3 tornado storm. Yes, conflict, clash and collision are very much a part of chaos following a natural disaster. This article celebrates a healing of a misunderstanding when an offer of hospitality echoes the “no room at the inn” lodging need.
Monday night, the three churches in our small town gathered to worship in a Community Thanksgiving service. We expressed gratitude to God for the four thousand volunteers who shared their gifts, talents and hours of work helping our town and countryside heal from the ravage of the storm. A team of twelve young adults comprising an  AmeriCorps volunteer group worked in our community for four weeks. This group stayed the longest time length in the recovery effort. As the Leadership Team of the Rev. Linda Stewart (Great Plains Disaster Response Coordinator), Pastors Dorothy and Mike Aspergren (on-site managers for the Disaster Relief project) and I planned for lodging needs, the drama began to unfold.
The church building had new shingles, windows were ordered and two showers in the basement bathrooms had been installed in preparation for the VIM teams. I was charting the schedule when I met my parishioner face to face, read the body language and heard the question, “Who gave permission for those AmeriCorps kids to stay in our church?” I admit at that moment I think I felt like I imagine Moses felt when “God spoke to Moses out of the whirlwind.” Yes, the prairie winds were fierce and at that moment I felt the fury of the whirlwind force of conflict clashing into my leadership decision as I answered, “I did.” Wow! Talk about a moment of truth as my mind raced. “So, what’s the problem with extending hospitality and welcoming the stranger?”
Thoughts tumbled in my mind as I was trying to breath in those deep calming breaths. “What was I thinking, assuming my Trustees would be thrilled to house twelve young adults for a month?” Then, a serene calm came over me as I explained that the Nebraska representative for AmeriCorps had made the executive decision to house the team in Seward. Seward, twenty miles away, with its population of sixty-five hundred offered entertainment and opportunities for young people to spend weekends and break times closer to Lincoln. Our conversation ended with talk about the benefits for the kids to be closer to Lincoln and not stuck in a small town. I was sure the young adults would be happier staying in another town.
The lesson learned for this pastor was even in the midst of chaos. Call another “unscheduled” Trustee meeting followed by an Ad Council meeting. Then, present the many sided benefits of a government sponsored young highly trained volunteer group of young adults offering their expertise and commitment to a community recovering from a natural disaster. Then, extend the welcome of gracious hospitality and welcome to our church sanctioned by the local church.
Our God works in wonderful ways of experiencing free gifts of love. This special group of AmeriCorps youth spent four weeks clearing brush and debris, painting houses and building porches, washing sanctuary windows, organizing disaster trailer storage on the church property, repositioning five tombstones in the cemetery and helping set up for our local Beaver Days summer carnival. Perhaps winning the hearts of local townspeople, as they experienced the volunteer youth in their causal uniforms of khakis and t-shirts helping run the booths, was the turning point in local small town acceptance.
The summer month was filled with work experience for the team in interactions with a community adjusting to loss of homes and property. The volunteers’ genuine enthusiasm and generosity gave hope to our community. Our Church dining room truly became a “Fellowship Hall” as area churches fed the AmeriCorps team and church members and community members stopped in to say hello, thank you and welcome to our community. As the winter winds start, I will continue giving thanks to God for our community for welcoming strangers and extending hospitality.
Acknowledging difficult relationships in organizations
by the Rev. Nathan Stanton, New Church Development Coordinator
Organizations are living, breathing places where relationships develop, grow, maintain, plateau and bring significance to the people's lives that make up said organization. Those relationships also shape subsets of the organization as well, either by department, role within the organization or casual interests where folks gather to relate to one another over hobbies, passions, etc.
The health of an organization is built on the symbiotic nature of these relationships and the individual's willingness to be with other while not taking responsibility for them when we disagree or feel like we know better than they do. Health happens in an organization when we are able to appreciate and celebrate others and their ongoing growth.
Our relationships are strengthened by our willingness to walk with one another and even help one another when we don't see eye to eye.
 "Acknowledging difficult relationships in organizations" by Nathan Stanton
Organizations are living, breathing places where relationships develop, grow, maintain, plateau and bring significance to the people’s lives that make up said organization. Those relationships also shape subsets of the organization as well, either by department, role within the organization or casual interests where folks gather to relate to one another over hobbies, passions, etc.
The health of an organization is built on the symbiotic nature of these relationships and the individual’s willingness to be with others while not taking responsibility for them when we disagree or feel like we know better than they do. Health happens in an organization when we are able to appreciate and celebrate others and their ongoing growth. Our relationships are strengthened by our willingness to walk with one another and even help one another when we don't see eye to eye.
Our ability to self-regulate ourselves in relationships with others when we don’t agree or feel like we could do better strengthens the overall capacity of the organization for the future. Too often, it is the inability to celebrate growth in others just as we would like to be celebrated that begins to function like cancer in an organization. Malignancy in an organization is really no different than what happens to the human body when a selfish mass begins to eat away at the strength of the body for no other reason than to sustain its own life-debilitating mission. Edwin Friedman outlines a number of points about people’s malignant behavior in organizational life:
- They tend to be easily hurt “injustice-collectors, slow healers who are given to victim attitudes” (it is as if they had no outer membrane to ensure their integrity).
- They tend to idolize their leaders until their unrealistic expectations fail, whereupon they are quick to crucify their “gods” (there is a parasitic quality to their bonding).
- Their intent is often “innocently provocative;” they do not see themselves as bent on destruction. The pathology they promote is rather a byproduct of their doing what comes naturally, so they never see how they contribute to the condition they complain about.
- Their repertoire of responses, as with the most primitive forms of life, is limited to being “on” or “off.” This manifests itself in their linear, black-and-white formulations for life; their unconditional, with-us-or-against us attitudes; and their inability to tolerate differences or dissent.
- They tend to focus on procedure and on rituals, and, as if their heads did not swivel, they get stuck on the content of issues rather than being able to view the surrounding emotional processes that are spawning the issues.
- They find that light and truth, the element that is most healthy to other forms of life, is toxic to their nature. They thrive in the darkness of conspiracy like anaerobic bacteria, such as botulism, which are hangovers from a very early stage of life.
- They seem to be driven by their reptilian brains rather than their cortex and thus manifest three basic characteristics of the reptilian way of life: they have a high degree of reactivity, a narrow range of responses, and of course they are always serious—deadly serious.
- As with all organisms that lack self-definition and self-regulation, they tend to ooze into, if not directly interfere in, the relationships of others. Thus they wreck staff communication and connections, and bypass, if not subvert, democratic processes.
- They tend to be easily stampeded and panicked into group-think, thus fusing with others like them into an undifferentiated mass (like a tumor).
- They are unforgivingly relentless and totally invulnerable to insight. Unless walled off or totally defeated, they tend to come back with a vengeance, as when an antibiotic is not taken for the fully prescribed period.
Friedman, E., & Treadwell, M. (2007). Pages 144-146. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New ed.): 144-146. New York: Seabury Books.
The healing powers of such behavior are health and momentum brought about by a collective vision for the health of the organization. Such vision is undergirded by the courage of leadership to stand against and not participate in the malignant behaviors of the unmotivated few which exist in every organization.
We’re reminded by the Apostle Paul to act with an adult-like love in his letter to the Church in Corinth; 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became an adult, I set aside childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Be encouraged in the strength that exists in your life and your church. Strive for a vision that carries you and your church toward a biblical vision for love that allows life-giving relationships which free one another to live out the call to follow Jesus wherever we serve.
Tips:
- Avoid gossip and invite the other to bring their issue to the person’s attention about whom they are talking.
- Speak possibility into other people’s lives. See what they do well and lift them for the gifts they bring to your relationship and to your organization. Don’t we all need to be lifted up?
- Keep your word. If you tell someone that you will help them or be present for something communicate with them do what you say you’ll do or let them know you can’t be there. Take responsibility for your part of the relationship!
- Participate openly in your relationships and in your organization or church. When you speak, remember to use, “I believe” statements rather than imposing on others “we should” or “we ought to” statements. Invite other opinions that might be different from your own!
RethinkHome
Each month, through video, blogs, stories and links to helpful resources, we’ll explore a different topic related to your mission in your local mission field. Please share your response with us at rethinkhome@greatplainsumc.org
Here’s the lineup for the coming months:
December - Generosity. If you have other suggestions, send them along. The conversation is only beginning.
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