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Uninstinctive and Counterintuitive by Keith Beasley-Topliffe
In the book Learning to Forgive, Doris Donnelly starts by reminding us of our failure to forgive. We know that Christians are supposed to forgive, yet we do not. We hold onto grudges. We demand vengeance, personal or legal. Alternatively, we may hurry to "kiss and make up" or, as Donnelly says, "we race with lightning speed from our hurts to reconciliation without taking a look at what must be forgiven before lasting healing can take hold."
We don't want to admit that we were so weak as to be hurt deeply. Anything is better than that, even if it means we must cut folks out of our lives forever to avoid facing them and feeling the hurt again. If our reluctance to forgive is supposed to keep us from hurting, it doesn't work. When we refuse to forgive, we become enslaved by our anger and pain. …
How can we break the pattern and learn to forgive? Donnelly begins her answer by talking about what forgiveness is:
To forgive is extraordinary. And divine. And uncommon—and not instinctive. In fact, forgiveness runs precisely counter to our instincts. It tugs us beyond the place where we would want to declare our pain, nurse our hurts, and invoke sympathy. It encourages us to give more than we planned to give, or thought ourselves able to give.
Forgiveness is, first of all, giving to those who have hurt us, those who have no right to expect any good from us. The gift we offer is an invitation to the other to see himself or herself as someone worth redeeming, someone more important than the hurt done to us.
It is, therefore, also an invitation to admit fault, to repent. This unconditional gift of forgiveness has power in itself. Even if it is rejected, it changes the giver and the situation. When accepted and allowed to change the one who is forgiven as well, that is the best of all.
Donnelly moves next to strategies for enabling forgiveness. First we must find ways to relieve our own pain. When it is continuing through repeated contact with the other, we can try to get away. We can seek outside help (e.g., a therapist, counselor, pastor, or life coach). Sometimes the other may seem unaware of the pain he or she is causing. Then confrontation may be the most helpful way to begin.
Even if we can ease the pain, though, we may still find it difficult to forgive. Time, the encouraging witness of others, and help in seeing the problem in a larger context may all be part of our learning to forgive.[Adapted from "Book Review," Weavings: A Journal of the Christian Spiritual Life, Vol. VII, No. 2 (March/April 1992)(Nashville, TN: The Upper Room,1992), 46-48.]
Forgiving
February 2016
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Forgiveness is a mystery. It belongs in the realm of freedom rather than the realm of neccesity; It is scented with the spices of grace rather than the sweat of legalism. It delights and humbles with the impact of wholly unexpected bounty; gentler than a tender embrace, it is tougher than the bands of retribution that strap us tightly to our pain.[John S. Mogabgab]
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