E-Speaks eNewsletter
In this issue, we highlight individuals with autism doing good and giving back to the autism community.Teacher on the spectrum inspires students with autism
Teacher Ann Kagarise shares a poem about her experience teaching children with autism as a woman on the spectrum. "To come alongside a kid on the spectrum and show them that they can do it gives me purpose. It makes my life of struggles all worth it." Read More
Chef Tom gives back
Professional chef Tom Dickinson works to inspire the autism community using his own experience on the spectrum through his radio show, cooking classes, cookbooks and more. Read More
13-year-old Lights It Up Blue in his community
An inspirational teenage student is passionate about spreading autism awareness in his community. When given the opportunity to be assistant principal for the day, Josh Jordan chose to use the platform to teach students and teachers about understanding and acceptance. Read More
Heart of Autism: 13-Year-Old Lights It Up Blue in his Community!
This Heart of Autism post is by Kim Jansen, a teacher in Sherman, Conn. Kim tells about her experience with Josh, an extraordinary 13-year-old on the spectrum who is determined to spread autism awareness in his community.
Josh had many ups and downs throughout his education, and was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome in the spring of 4th grade. His parents could not have been more supportive of this diagnosis and have done everything possible to teach Josh about his diagnosis, as well as educate others about it. They have made spreading Autism Awareness a huge part of their life. They are the reason so many people in the tiny community in which Josh lives, and goes to school in, know what Autism is. Having parents that are so proactive only made Josh more interested in spreading Autism Awareness too.
Last year, Josh had the opportunity to be “The Assistant Principal For The Day”, an opportunity for him to make decisions and plan activities for his school. This day took place in April, during Autism Awareness Month. Josh immediately decided he wanted to plan an activity to promote Autism Awareness while he was the Assistant Principal. Josh was now a 5th Grader, but we still had a very close relationship, so together we planned our school’s first “Light It Up Blue Day”, which was a huge success. Josh was thrilled with the response from our school and community on “Light It Up Blue Day”. We immediately began talking about other activities we could do during April of the following year.
Josh with his parents
Josh is very passionate about Autism Awareness and had participated in the Greater Waterbury Walk Now for Autism Speaks while he was in 3rd Grade. While working with Josh to organize our Light It Up Blue Day, I joined Josh’s Walk Now for Autism Speaks Team. We walked together, in the pouring rain, and began thinking of ways to raise more funds for Autism Research and increase Autism Awareness the following year.
Josh cutting the tape with his mom at the Greater Waterbury Walk Now for Autism Speaks!
Before we knew it, April was here again, and we were on a mission to spread as much Autism Awareness as possible, We approached our school administrators with several ideas we had for the month. They were very supportive, and so our month began. We started off with “A Light It Up Blue Day”. All the students and faculty were decked out in blue, and proudly wore stickers that said, “My School Supports Light It Up Blue Day”. It was an amazing day! After that, the month was followed with a school wide “Rise and Shine and Wake Up Autism Awareness Breakfast”, a bottle and can drive and a Dunking for Dollars Dunk Tank Fundraiser. It was a very successful month. We managed to raise $1,800 for Josh’s Autism Walk team, but most importantly, every student in our school now has an understanding and awareness of Autism.
The teachers at Josh' school Lighting It Up Blue!
The Autism Awareness board at Josh' school.
It has been a wonderful experience working with Josh to spread Autism Awareness and becoming involved in the Greater Waterbury Walk Now For Autism Speaks. I look forward to working with Josh on this journey for years to come!
The Heart of Autism series highlights individuals with autism giving back to the autism community. Read more about these inspiring people here! If you have an idea for a Heart of Autism story, we would love to hear from you! Email us at heartofautism@autismspeaks.org.Kevin & Avonte's Law
49% of children with autism have wandered away from safety. Kevin & Avonte's Law (H.R. 4221) is proposed legislation to help safeguard children with autism and other developmental disabilities who may wander away from caregivers. Ask your member of the U.S. House of Representatives to co-sponsor this legislation. Take Action
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"Love and romance" Autism Speaks in New York, New York, United States
10 steps to help your teen with autism navigate dating
Dating tends to be an exciting but challenging part of any teen's life. However, some difficulties tend to be particularly relevant for teens with autism. A former Autism Speaks predoctoral fellow offers some advice to parents. Read More
Ten steps to help a teen with autism navigate dating
What advice can you give parents on how we should talk about dating and intimacy with our teens who have autism?
It has been a wonderful experience working with Josh to spread Autism Awareness and becoming involved in the Greater Waterbury Walk Now For Autism Speaks. I look forward to working with Josh on this journey for years to come!
The Heart of Autism series highlights individuals with autism giving back to the autism community. Read more about these inspiring people here! If you have an idea for a Heart of Autism story, we would love to hear from you! Email us at heartofautism@autismspeaks.org.Kevin & Avonte's Law
"Love and romance" Autism Speaks in New York, New York, United States
E-Speaks eNewsletter
Valentine's Day can be a celebration of love and romance, topics that may be difficult for parents to discuss with their children — with or without autism. Many teens and adults with autism are interested in romance and dating, but they may need additional information and support. Below are some resources that can help.10 steps to help your teen with autism navigate dating
Ten steps to help a teen with autism navigate dating
What advice can you give parents on how we should talk about dating and intimacy with our teens who have autism?
Guest post by psychologist Lindsey Sterling, PhD, and doctoral student Siena Whitham - autism researchers and therapists with UCLA’s Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior. During a now-completed Autism Speaks predoctoral fellowship, Dr. Sterling deepened understanding of the physiology of anxiety in adolescents with autism. Such research helps advance the development of tailored therapies.We’re so glad to address this question, given how many teens and parents express interest. For many teens with autism, the issues of dating and sexuality come up later than one might expect. But every teen is different. Some are eager as young teens, while others don’t appear interested until much later. Regardless, the physical changes that accompany adolescence make these issues relevant for most families.
Of course, dating tends to be an exciting but challenging part of any teen’s life. However, some difficulties tend to be particularly relevant for teens with autism. None are insurmountable. Just keep them in mind while helping your teen navigate the dating process.
Social versus physical maturity
First, remember that your teen’s social maturity may not be in line with his or her physical maturity. In other words, many teens with autism feel the physical desire for sexuality before they have the social competence for successful dating. It helps to remember that most teens learn the social rules of dating while socializing with their friends. Many teens with autism simply don’t have as many social opportunities for learning these rules.
Reading and sending signals
Also remember that the social signals involved in dating and flirting can be complex, inconsistent and subtle. Interpreting them presents a challenge for most everyone. It can be particularly difficult when autism interferes with the ability to read and respond to social signals. This can produce confusion in your teen and discomfort and frustration for the other person. When social cues are missed, your teen’s “dates” may feel that their messages or feelings aren’t being heard or validated
Considering what to consider
Dating also involves finding a good “match.” However, many teens with autism fail to stop and consider who might be their “good match” before jumping into a relationship. It can help to discuss this with your teen. Of course, you and your teen may disagree about who makes a good match!
Some important questions come up around dating, and each family approaches them differently. For example, should your teen tell the person he or she wants to date about being on the autism spectrum? Should your teen date someone else on the autism spectrum?
Ten tips
With these challenges in mind, we’ve compiled some tips for helping your teen approach dating and intimacy. They are just general guides. How you apply them should depend on the age and experience of your teen.
1. Encourage an open dialogue. You want your teen to feel comfortable sharing information about dating. It can help to “normalize” the issue. For example, remind your teen that most everyone finds dating challenging. It’s not an easy process!
2. Be proactive. If your teen hasn’t already brought up the topic, look for a time when he or she is in a good mood and mention your willingness to talk about dating and sexuality when your teen is ready. Highlight that each person becomes interested in these experiences at different ages, and that’s okay.
3. Don’t delay discussions if you think your teen might be sexually active or is dealing with opportunities for sexual activity. In this situation, it’s crucial to discuss safe sex even if your teen feels resistant to talking about it. For example, gently but clearly make sure your teen understands how pregnancy occurs, how sexually transmitted diseases spread and how to take preventive steps. If sexual activity has already occurred, we recommend consulting with your teen’s doctor about related health issues.
4. If your teen is open to role-playing, try running through some classic dating scenarios. While role-playing, observe how your teen shows interest, expresses compliments and responds nonverbally (e.g., smiling, nodding in agreement, making eye contact). Explain that these behaviors send positive messages to the other person. Mention how everyone likes to have someone show genuine interest. Model behaviors that show interest. Together, brainstorm possible topics of conversations.
5. Discuss who, when, where and how to ask someone out.
* Who is appropriate to ask out? Someone your age, who you like and who talks to you and is nice to you.
* When is it appropriate to ask someone out? Once you’ve gotten to know each other, once you’ve sensed that the other person is interested.
* Where is it appropriate to ask someone out? Usually when other people aren’t around.
* How do you ask someone out? Ask if he or she is free. Assess interest. Make plans for an activity of mutual interest. Make sure you have contact information so you can confirm before the date.
6. Explain that everyone gets rejected at some point. Discuss possible reasons that someone might not be interested in dating. Maybe the person is dating someone else, too busy with schoolwork, or maybe just not interested in a relationship with you. At the same time, make clear that it’s impossible to know for certain why someone does not want to go out on a date.
7. Discuss the practical and specific steps involved in going on a date. Make sure your teen knows when and where the date will take place and how the couple will get to and from the location?
8. Would your teen like to hug or kiss at the end of the date? If so, help your teen manage related signals. Discuss that this may include politely asking for a hug or kiss, if it’s not clear that the date is interested. Encourage your teen to role play how to say this politely.
9. Discuss the different levels of intimacy. For example, holding hands or walking arm in arm is less intimate than kissing. Kissing is less intimate than certain other types of touching, etc. Remind your teen that it’s important to stay at a comfortable level. Discuss that this may be different than what others are doing or what is shown in the media.
10. When it’s time for the date, help your teen dress appropriately and otherwise look his or her best. If your teen made the invitation, encourage him or her to pay. If he or she was asked out, make sure he or she has enough money to offer to pay at least his or her share.
As intimidating as dating can be for anyone, we encourage parents of teens with autism to support their children’s desires in this area. Despite the challenges, try to frame dating as something that can be a positive experience and ultimately rewarding.
Editor’s note: Also see these related blog posts: Tackling Teenage Sexuality and Promoting Teen Social Skills.
Got more questions? Send them to GotQuestions@autismspeaks.org. Subscribe to Autism Speaks Science Digest to get “Got Questions?” blogs and all our research news and perspective delivered to your inbo10 things I wish people knew about dating someone who has autism
10 things I wish people knew about dating someone who has autism
This guest post is by Autism Speaks staffer Kerry Magro, a motivational speaker, best-selling author, and one of the first TV talk show hosts who’s on the autism spectrum. You can learn more about Kerry on Facebook and Twitter. Kerry in 2014 wrote a book called Autism and Falling in Love based on his experiences trying to find love on the autism spectrum. You can also read this blog here.
Here are some things you need to know when it comes to dating someone with autism.
Ask us any question you have.
Although we may have difficulties with communication, we still need you to be as open with us as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Ask us questions early to avoid issues later.
If something goes over our head, try to make us understand what you meant.
Sarcasm can sometimes go over our heads and when it does, know that we truly want to understand.
We can date people who aren’t on the autism spectrum.
Often a misconception is that people on the spectrum want to only date others who are on the spectrum. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. We just want to find someone we connect with and can be ourselves with.
If you’re shocked that we have autism, don’t be.
Some people on the spectrum tend to fall on the line of having an ‘invisible disability.’ That means that if we are on a date, you may not see any characteristics of autism on the surface, but it doesn’t mean we’re not on the spectrum. Autism is a spectrum disorder.
If you go online before our date and find out we have autism, don’t jump to conclusions.
Autism is a spectrum. I once went on a date and within the first 5 minutes she was already talking about how ‘Rain Man’ was her favorite movie… Interesting.
Give us time to process small or big-time decisions.
After we’ve been together for a while and decisions may arise, whether it be something small like trying a new restaurant or something bigger such as getting married or moving in together, understand that transitions can often be difficult at first for us to comprehend. This isn’t different for any human being on this planet. Sometimes transitions can tend to make us feel overloaded. Don’t feel discouraged. If it works out and we both care for each other we will make it work.
Love me for the person I am and I’ll do the same with you.
Ron Sandison's father was concerned about how his autism would affect his future relationships. "When my dad was frustrated with my autism quirks, he'd say, 'You'll never find a woman willing to accept your rigid routines.' Kristen has proven him wrong." Read More
Living with autism and having a wife that shows you unconditional love
This guest post is from Ron Sandison, who works full time in the medical field and is a professor of theology at Destiny School of Ministry. This post is part of an initiative on our site called “In Our Own Words: Living on the Spectrum,” which highlights the experiences of individuals with autism from their perspectives. Have a story you want to share? Email us at InOurOwnWords@autismspeaks.org!
When I was a young adult and my dad become frustrated with my autism quirks, he would say, “You’ll never find a woman willing to accept your rigid routines.”
Kristen, by her unconditional love, has proven him wrong.
On our third date, I revealed to her one of my main autism quirks - my inability to deviate from my rigid patterns. I told Kristen, “After work every night, I spend 2 to 3-hours in Bible memory time. This daily routine empowers me to be able to quote over 10,000 Scriptures including 22 complete books of the New Testament, and over 5,000 quotes.”
Again, both my parents agreed. “No woman in her right mind will put up with your memory time!”
Kristen, by her unconditional love, proved my parents wrong.
After we had been dating for three months, I revealed another autism induced quirk of mine - eccentric behavior. As a child, I carried around a stuffed prairie dog named Prairie Pup from kindergarten to sixth grade. I also collected and continue to collect Calico Critters; 3” tall animal figurines dressed with handmade outfits.
My Calico Critters collection reminds my coworkers and friends of a scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin—hundreds of unopened boxes lined up in perfect rows against my bedroom wall at my parents’ house. My dad, with a concerned voice said, “No woman will want a husband who collects children's toys and stuffed animals.”
Again Kristen proved him wrong, by her unconditional love.
As a gift for the one year anniversary of our first date, Kristen gave me the Calico Critters Meerkat Family. Two years later, we had on our wedding cake Calico Critters; the bride and groom were cats and the priest a beaver. During our honeymoon in the Windy City, as we walked from the train station to our hotel, an angry honey-badger stuffed animal in a storefront display window caught my eye. My special interest took the best of me and the honey-badger found a new home.
My final autism quirk is sensory issues with certain smells and sounds. When I experienced meltdowns as a child from my dad using bleach to clean the bathroom, he would say, “No woman will want a husband who screams and throws a tantrum over the smell of a little bleach.”
Thank God, Kristen proved him wrong.
Kristen has accepted my kryptonite weakness when it comes to electronic noises and bleach. She demonstrates her compassion and sensitivity to my sensory issues by not using nail polish in our apartment or playing music with bass.
Proverbs 31:12 describes my wife perfectly, “She brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
Thank you, Kristen, for loving me unconditionally even with all my autism quirks. In March, we will have the arrival of the newest member of our family, Makayla Marie. On April 5, Charisma House is publishing my book, A Parent’s Guide to Autism and I have dedicated my book to my beautiful wife Kristen.
Autism Speaks
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