Reverend Gregory Crofford – Wednesday, 8 January 2014 – “The voices one rarely hears”

Reverend Gregory Crofford – Wednesday, 8 January 2014 – “The voices one rarely hears”

Last week, I plunged headlong into a conversation that seems to be happening everywhere except in  churches that are theologically conservative, including the Church of the Nazarene. My plea to fellow Nazarenes was not to jettison what we have always understood Scripture to teach about the practice of homosexuality. Rather, it was a call to listen with love, especially to those in our midst who are same-sex attracted.

Something unexpected but gratifying happened on the comment thread. Tucked between the predictable talking points on both sides of this debate were stories.  The thread became a safe place for uncensored, first-person accounts of family members profoundly affected by the decision of their gay loved one to “come out.” They are the voices that one rarely hears, but voices that also deserve our respectful, listening ear if any conversation on the topic claims to be inclusive.

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From Rodney:

I am a parent of a son who is gay; a pastor in a Wesleyan Church, learning to love but not condone. The announcement of his life style came in 1997 so it’s been some years of learning. I’ve consoled many parents who have a child living the “alternative life style”. If the church wants to learn how to address this, it might want to talk with parents of homosexuals. True love, tough love while not condoning have taught us many lessons about the Father’s love for all mankind. Luke 15 speaks volumes to us in this life issue.

From LJ -

Since I read this blog post and started following the discussion a couple days ago, I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to respond. I have dealt/lived with the issue of homosexuality in a personal way for over 23 years now; and for about 4 ½ years, I’ve considered writing about it and telling parts of my story. But, until now, I haven’t had the courage to get into the conversation. I agree, though, with a few others who’ve written above, that homosexuality is easier to think about and form opinions about when you haven’t closely known or loved someone who is homosexual. Maybe we Christians who have been forced to (and chosen to) think very deeply about this subject because it’s a part of our lives need to share at least some of our feelings and thoughts.

I grew up in the Church of the Nazarene and married a young man while we were attending a Nazarene University. He had also grown up in the COTN, both of us with parents who were active laymen as well as pastors or missionaries at one time or another. Serving God and actively participating/working in the church was an integral part of our lives. For the 19 years my husband and I were married, most of the time one or both of us were in full or part-time ministry in the COTN. Early in our marriage, I became aware of my husband’s homosexual feelings and how, in college, he had begun seeking counsel as to what to do about the feelings and how to get rid of them. He didn’t want to be attracted to men; he wanted to have a family and live the Christian life he had been taught was God’s plan. He was advised to do some different activities to change his thoughts and to commit those thoughts to God so God could change him. By the time the reality and significance of his feelings became known to me (after almost 4 years of marriage), life was confusing and painful… for both of us. He began the process of counseling and attending a Christian organization to “come out of homosexuality”. For the next 14 1/2 years, we continued life together raising two kids, living the Christian/church-involved life we knew and loved, occasionally dealing with the issue of his homosexual feelings, and… living in denial and ignorance (for me) as to what was really going on and the pain, anger, and fears we were both experiencing. Our marriage came to a traumatic halt in early 2009, causing us to finally face the truth about his homosexual feelings that had never gone away and the deceit that had increased through the years as he tried to hide his true feelings and actions.

I could write many pages about my own pain, fears, and growth through the 19 years of marriage and especially over the past five years as I’ve finally realized and faced the truth. I won’t write that novel right now (Did I just hear a sigh of relief?), but I will say that there is great freedom that comes with the truth! Also, my thoughts about homosexuality, my relationship with God, and my understanding of Christianity have changed through the years – very gradually. I believe I am a better person now and that my understanding of God’s love and grace is stronger now because of what I’ve gone through. Although pretty much oblivious to homosexuality until in my early 20s, I’ve seen and felt the church struggle with homosexuality during my adult years, at a much slower pace than I was having to think about it because it was a real part of my life. I realize the complexity of this issue and how difficult it is to know what to do or say, especially as a denomination. I’m glad to see the COTN beginning to think and talk about it, even though I believe we all have a long way to go in our understanding and decisions. A church or Christians who look at life in a very complex world with very black and white terms, teach that homosexual feelings can always be changed or prayed away, want to believe that homosexuality affects “other people” and not “us”, and continue to shame or poke fun at homosexuals (sometimes from the pulpit), are not helping. They don’t help the young people who have feelings that are said to be “unnatural” and that want to continue loving and serving God and being a part of a church they have grown up in. They don’t help the family members whose husband, wife, parent, or child is gay or lesbian. They help perpetuate shame, guilt, denial, hatred towards one’s self, living a secret life, and making decisions that one believes is his/her only choices if he/she wants to be a Christian and have a family (i.e. getting married). My hope is that Christians will move from viewing “those homosexuals” from a distance and choose to “be a brother among them”, hearing, knowing, and striving to understand and walk in the shoes of those who are homosexual. That is how we can truly love one another.

From Wendy -

My reply is long, but it stems from personal experience and observation:

This article poses huge concerns (and hits home) for me because I have some family members who are homosexual/bisexual. For one closest, our family spent over 10 years reaching out and being kind to both individuals, while at the same time standing on Scripture that this lifestyle is sin and an abomination to our Heavenly Father. Dr. Crofford states, “Love will mean walking alongside the individual, encouraging, holding them accountable, and pointing them to the victory over sin that has always been a hallmark of the Wesleyan-holiness tradition.” My family did this for many years; and to be honest, it was challenging. Each time our loved one would “question” this relationship, my family was there to give counsel and listen. However, the other “counsel” that was given from other institutes (“Christian”) won out in the end. Some time ago a situation happened in which they expected us to stand beside them and view their relationship as a Biblical union. Speaking for myself, I would not. I have listened to people who have had victory over this in their lives. I held onto this hope during those years asking many of my prayer warrior friends to pray. Yet, for our loved one, the sources of this world would win out. This process Dr. Crofford speaks about “may” work for those who are still seeking decision in this area, or young teens trying to figure out their sexual identity; but, I have either experienced or observed some problems we are facing in regards to this. As I have come to find out over the years, while trying to counsel, love and support our loved one, they want us to accept them and the lifestyle. I have realized and found that the strong, majority LGBT individuals want Believers to embrace their lifestyle and to no longer say their lifestyle is sin.

Another danger is some who counsel with these individuals tends to walk away from Scripture; and become more lenient towards this lifestyle; thus, slowly advocating for the lifestyle. It’s a slow, but sly process, and a strong pull, if one’s not daily in the Scriptures and prayer (Experienced personally). Our battle is also against a growing apostasy in the church: the Bible does not specifically address homosexuality, people have no choice since it is in their DNA, as well as other twisting Scripture theologies. The Bible IS consistent and clear forbidding homosexual acts, just as it does with all acts of sin. A student of Scripture would know this.

As for the pastor’s wife who observed the young teen’s dilemma, this was commendable; for there are many in our church who would not have discerned this in the youth. Yet, let us also remember the giants we face: laws passed to keep counsellors from counseling individuals who are struggling with this issue (i.e. Gov. Christie- NJ, CA). This then poses the issue and/or question of encouraging the individual to seek professional help. Right now the laws do not prohibit lay people from counseling; yet, again, when one counsels, the person has to be IN the Word of God daily AND in prayer. And, might I add, as the laws change on the federal level, so do the freedoms for us in the church to “counsel” those who are struggling. These laws will either keep people from giving counsel or they will pay the consequences when they do.

Another issue in our churches is the teaching that homosexuality is not sin, because it is part of DNA; as well as, it is not specifically addressed in the Bible with the twisting of Scripture translation; therefore, our reaction to quote Scripture is wrong. Interesting, for Paul traveled taking the message of Christ to areas that accepted homosexual practices; yet, he did not suppress speaking against the sinfulness of this practice; nor, is there evidence of him referring homosexuality to our DNA. Instead, in Romans 1:27 Paul states, “And likewise also men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet”*(KJV). (*due, fit)

I stand with the Church of the Nazarene’s Lifestyle statement. Dr. Crofford states that it is “used wrongly.” If the issue is only in the area of this Scripture being used in the section, lifestyle-homosexuality, then maybe we need to add Romans 1:18 to all sins we include in the manual. For, Scripture does state, (Romans 1:18) “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness…” John states, (I John 5:17), “All unrighteousness IS sin, and there is sin not leading to death.” I don’t believe the Church of the Nazarene needs to “water” down this doctrine, making it less offensive or harsh to society. Scripture is being used. If Scripture is offensive for a church to use in its doctrinal statement, then doors need to be closed. I believe we’re in very hot water and in danger of traveling down a destructive path when we replace Scripture for our own interpretation and words all for the sake of not offending. When one modifies Scripture’s purpose just a little bit in order to circle around God’s Words regarding sin, it is at a cost to all.

Our family reached out in love, we counseled, we listened and were there for both individuals. In the end it came down to us deciding whether to turn away from our faith in acceptance to their union; or, stepping back, saying I love you, but I will not dishonor God. Whether this happens rarely or even majority of the time is not the issue; it is the idea of what I understand to be asked of us in the church to do and change; which, can be deception and lead us down a dangerous eternal path.

This concept does not work for everyone; and it is going to become more challenging as federal or state laws change and ministers continue to convince us that homosexuality is either generally stated in Scripture or part of our DNA; thus indicating God creates sin. Hogwash!

Do not be deceived that this is THE way; there are too many factors and giants that can stray us; we must be on our guard spiritually. However, to be mean, vindictive, unkind, discriminative, etc is plum wrong and totally against Scripture as well. Be a student of Scripture only and faith… praying always to renew and give you strength, discernment, understanding, wisdom and love.

From Valerie -

Dr. Crofford, In the interest of bringing a different perspective I will share my very personal story.

I am a Christian, also a 3rd gen. Nazarene, a pastors daughter, a pastors granddaughter, niece of retired COTN University professors, a graduate of same university, thus I’m pretty saturated with the Nazarene/Wesleyan tradition.

Your article is timely. It grieves me to say that this week my husband and I will be signing final divorce settlement agreements. 28 years ago I married the love of my life whom I met at a Nazarene church. We subsequently had 2 children. We raised them to love and honor God, honor marriage, honor others and we served in lay ministry for decades. Our marriage was not perfect by any means, but we had a basis in a Christian faith and Christian marriage, a strong friendship, and therefore were committed to each other, so I thought.

Two years ago also this week, my husband “came out” as gay to me, our children, his family and left me all in the same day. It was the worst day of my life. In the ensuing days, weeks, and months I was experiencing a variety of extreme feelings and emotions. I was suicidal, desperate, hurt, angry, understanding, forgiving, compassionate, loving and everything in between. I ran to my Savior for answers, comfort, healing, and am still in process. Unfortunately and unbeknownst to me, my husband had dealt with this issue (I believe off and on) for decades. He was reaching midlife, we were hit hard with the economic downturn and under financial duress in the last few years. I don’t know to this day how much or for how long but at some point he got tempted and entangled and I believe addicted to porn, including gay porn.

The issue of homosexuality had already hit me very personally as I have a younger brother who I love dearly who came out as gay 20 years prior. This had been devastating to our family before. As much as my parents continued to show love to him, they did not accept or embrace his lifestyle as one that could affirmed as a life in Christ. To this day he is an alcoholic who resents the Christian stance on his lifestyle choice. I will say I don’t believe it’s a choice to have Same Sex Attractions, but I do believe it’s a choice to act on it. Based on research I don’t believe one is born with this. Regardless, many are born with, or have predispositions to, all kinds of physical and psychological struggles, that doesn’t mean we redefine them as normal but rather we seek help and healing to lesson the impact.

Prior to my husband’s disclosure/departure he had apparently been secretly receiving “online counsel” from the gay community “helping” him to identify himself as gay. He was even coached on how to explain to me how he functioned as a heterosexual in a 26 year marriage, and how to leave me etc. I was told that half of my life had been based on a lie. In the last 2 years I’ve lost my husband and best friend, my home, my family unit, and most of my in law relationships.

As much as I tried to share with my husband the hope for healing through Christ and support through organizations like Exodus, Cross Power Ministries, Sy Rodgers Communications etc, and after agreeing to attend and going to a marriage conference for couples who struggle with a Same Sex Attraction issue, my husband rejected the message. He no longer attends church and seemingly has lost his faith except to say he has it. My heart was and is broken.

When I reached out in the Christian community and researched online looking for anywhere to find support specifically for a spouse like me who had been abandoned specifically for this reason there really wasn’t much of anything. I was told my best bet was to look for support groups of spouses who were left for infidelity reasons. There are unique aspects of this issue that don’t apply in the heterosexual infidelity arena. I still searched online looking for support. I found that all books, blogs, articles, and websites generally led to one source: that source is the Straight Spouse Network, a global online organization that has formed to help people like me with providing emotional support. Unfortunately they push a secular agenda. While acknowledging the pain, betrayal, abandonment issues, they begin to feed you with the ideas that your spouse was born this way, they had no choice to be gay and thus leave the marriage. They say your spouse was forced into marriage with you because of societal rejections of homosexuality, mostly from churches and religions who had perpetuated the false idea that it was a sin. They stated that when gay marriage is legalized and supported this issue will no longer be a problem. They are working to get religions to slowly change their stance so people will readily embrace their sexuality and live according to whatever they feel. While I was looking for any comforting advice I read such hateful speech that said my husband was in a prison marriage with me, he hated being married to me, I could never have been enough for him, he needed to experience his true self by living the lifestyle and that he was now being liberated. He has literally been celebrated for leaving me by a whole cultural machine. It was my duty to forgive, accept, embrace, and wish my husband well on his newfound freedom to be who he was designed to be. The path of destruction left behind which included my broken heart, marriage and family was essentially collateral damage necessary for the greater good. If I didn’t accept and embrace this then I am a called homophobe, a bigot, a hater. That caused another layer of hurt to me rather than help.

Here’s my point for sharing… Last year my pastor (nondenominational) mentioned in a sermon that the homosexuality issue is the next tsunami to hit the church. Well I want to say I’m on the front lines. Add to that the very controversial move of the recent shut down of Exodus by a few leaders who have now gone on an apology tour for all the hurt caused by the ex-gay movement, I believe we will most likely be seeing a mass exodus of spouses in marriages by those who are being convinced they will be “covered by grace” if they choose to live the lifestyle. Unfortunately even within the church there are those who tend to agree and shake their head and say “I’m sorry. That’s too bad it has to be this way for you as a spouse, but if this is what makes them happy…” My questions are these: “What about the covenant with God and each other? What about the Two Who Became One?

The Straight Spouse Network estimates 2 million marriages such as mine exist. I believe the church is not ready. While I do agree there is still a much needed, long standing discussion of how to reach the gay community through love, let us not forget that there are a lot of innocent people who didn’t succumb to the temptations of a sinful lifestyle who are being severely hit in and outside the church. This includes all family members, but especially spouses and children who are being hurt by something they didn’t do and by someone who chose to take others down in the process of their self discovery and liberation. We need a carefully trained Triage for the collaterally damaged and there is none.

While I am far along on the path to healing, I am still very much in process which includes Christian counseling but not with someone with an expertise in this area. There are none that I’ve found. I’m so thankful at what an amazing healer, comfort, and strength God is to me. I have known Jesus more intimately than ever before. I believe as a result of my experience God has placed this on my heart and is calling me to be a part of the answer for those who find themselves on a journey like mine. As for my children…I have a daughter who is currently working on her Masters in Theology at Fuller Seminary with a desire to be used to address issues regarding an equality for women in church leadership and other areas within the church community. Part of her interest is also to find real answers to the issues that she faces with her dad whom she loves. I praise God for her faith and commitment. My son is at another place, struggling with his faith period. He says based on what his dad did he questions if there is a God. I told him as I’ve told my husband that I’m praying for both of them. What I pray for my son is that he will see God in me. I pray he will see the difference in a life committed and surrendered to God in contrast to a life who is committed and surrendered to one’s self. My prayer for my husband (and any like he and my brother) is that he will reach that point before it’s too late where he realizes that His answers and identity are not in his attractions and struggles, but rather in Christ. My prayer for the church is that we can find ways to offer Hope and Healing to all those affected by this painful issue, without losing sight of where Truth lies. I would like for any who are interested to look up the Restored Hope Network (Dr. Robert Gagnon mentioned in an earlier comment serves as resident Theologian) and the efforts they are making to pick up and go further where Exodus ministries somehow got derailed.

Thank you again Dr. Crofford for your discussion and for allowing me to be a part.

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About Greg Crofford

I am privileged to serve the committed and innovative Nazarene educators of Africa, as Regional Education Coordinator and Coordinator of Clergy Development.

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