Methodist Ties to Mother’s Day | Best Ways to Talk about Adoption
From: United Methodist Communications for Wednes, 6 May 2015 from Nazahvile, Tennessee, United States
The church celebrates Christian Home Month in May. And the U.S. marks Mother's Day this year on May 10. UMC.org has some content perfect for this time of year. And a special infographic about adoption that's perfect to share or post at your church.From: United Methodist Communications for Wednes, 6 May 2015 from Nazahvile, Tennessee, United States
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Statistics say that 20.7 billion dollars will be spent onmoms in honor of the U.S. holiday that falls on the second Sunday in May: Mother's Day. All that cash and commercialism goes against everything the women who originated the idea wanted. In this video, meet the Methodist mother and daughter team who worked to create a day to honor a mother's love and to emphasize how important a mother's role is in building a peaceful world.
Read full transcript.Transcript: The Founding Mothers of Mother’s Day
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In the late 1860s, before there was an official Mother’s Day holiday in the U.S., a Methodist mom organized “Mothers’ Friendship Day,” at which mothers gathered with former Union and Confederate soldiers to promote reconciliation. We asked Harriet Olson, the current head of United Methodist Women, and Donna Miller, archivist at Historic St. George’s United Methodist Church, to tell us more about the women behind the holiday.
Script:
(music, shots of cards, flowers)
Harriet Olson, Chief Executive, United Methodist Women: “When Ann Jarvis was working to establish Mother’s Day as a national event, and when her daughter picked up the mantle from her, they were not thinking about greeting cards and flowers.”
Instead the Methodist women who invented the idea in America wanted to honor mothers in a deeper way.
Harriet Olson, Chief Executive, United Methodist Women: “They were thinking about the work of women and the significant testimony that women could give about the need for peace.”
Ann Reeves Jarvis organized women’s clubs in the 1860s to serve suffering mothers and children.
Harriet Olson: “Women came together with their sisters in their locations to respond to the needs that they could see. For Ann, she was in a coal mining part of what is now West Virginia. And she could see the needs of women and children. And she could see the effect of the economy of her day on the people that she cared for most directly.”
Donna Miller, Archivist, Historic St. George’s United Methodist Church: “She started mothers clubs. And she talked to them about hydration for fevered babies, about sanitation and nutrition. And then the Civil War came along and they put a field hospital right outside Grafton.”
Ann recruited nurses for military hospitals, and after the war formed friendship clubs to promote reconciliation.
Harriet Olson: “Ann Jarvis was convinced that mothers, women, but especially mothers, had to work for peace because they could see the ravages of war in their husbands and in their sons, in a way that was so focused and so clear that their voices would be powerful. And that’s what’s at the genesis of the current Mother’s Day.”
Faith was always foremost. When she was older, Ann Jarvis and her daughter Anna became members of Philadelphia’s St. George’s Methodist Episcopal Church.
Donna Miller: “Anna became a Sunday school teacher here at St. George’s. But she’s best known for the efforts she made to get Mother’s Day recognized as a national observance. She and John Wanamaker, who was a famous retailer here, are the ones that got Woodrow Wilson to sign the petition.”
Ann Jarvis died in 1905, before an official holiday was in place. But her daughter Anna (who was never a mother herself) stayed true to the purpose of the celebration. She envisioned Mother’s Day as a time to write a personal letter to your mother, a time to send her an inexpensive carnation (aflower in which the petals hold tight like a mother’s love) and a time to visit or attend church together. She later became an outspoken critic when the special day turned too commercial.
Donna Miller: “She was really aggravated at people that turned that observation into a commercial outlet. So she had to say to Hallmark. She had a lot to say to the Salvation Army that started selling carnations. When she made carnations the symbol of Mother’s Day they sold for pennies. But the price soon went up to $1.50, $2.00 apiece because people found they could make money off of it. And her comments about Hallmark are just wonderful. She said, ‘How lazy can you be to buy somebody else’s sentiments for your mother? One day out of the year sit down and tell your mother what you really think of her.” And she was just furious. I like that kind of spunk She would have been a really interesting person to know. And I like telling the kids about her because the history of the church isn’t a history of ministers. It’s the people that make up the church. And I think they’re such a wonderful example of that. And besides making kids think about their mothers is always a good thing to do.”
Tag:
In May 1908, Anna Jarvis organized the first official Mother’s Day celebration at a Methodist church in Grafton, West Virginia. There was also a Mother’s Day event at one of Wanamaker’s retail stores in Philadelphia on the same day.
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a measure officially establishing the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day in the USA. Others like Julia Ward Howe and Juliet Calhoun Blakely also advocated for a Mother’s Day type recognition in the U.S. in the late 19th century also.
Mother’s Day is celebrated in a variety of countries. In Thailand, Mother’s Day is celebrated in August on the birthday of the current queen, Sirikit. In Ethiopia, families gather each fall to sing songs and eat a large feast as part of Antrosht, a multi-day celebration honoring motherhood.
This video was produced by United Methodist Communications in Nashville, TN.
Media contact is Fran Walsh, 615-742-5458.
This video was first posted on March 15, 2015.
Back to Video
This video was produced by United Methodist Communications in Nashville, TN.
Media contact is Fran Walsh, 615-742-5458.
This video was first posted on March 15, 2015.
A Mother’s Blessing: A Photo Reflection
We asked real people to talk about their moms and the results were touching and revealing. During the interviews, we realized their mothers modeled Christ for them just by being who they were, and in doing so, helped their children become the people they are today.
Script:
(Tafadzwa Mudambanuki) I grew up in Mutare, Zimbabwe.
My mom, when I grew up, demonstrated what any mom, I think, should be. Caring. She was hard-working. And she did instill those values in us as kids. To work hard. To respect people. And to fear God.
I’ve always been serving God, up to now. So, I thank God for my mother.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Train children in
The right way,
And when old,
They will not stray.
Proverbs 22:6
(Lilla Marigza) I look back at my mother’s life and I’ve often wondered, how do you, at twenty-one years old, graduate from college and say, “I have a calling to be a missionary. And I’ll go wherever you need to send me.”
If my mother hadn’t ended up half way across the world from Kansas to the Philippines, my brother and sisters and I wouldn’t be who we are today.
(Full Screen Graphic)
For where your
Treasure is,
There your heart
Will be also.
Matthew 6:21
(Brent House) Her cooking. Momma spoiled us when we were little. I mean she cooked three meals a day. Except on Sundays. We went out to eat on Sundays. That was her day off.
Momma was always very loving. I don’t think she came to very many of my football games because I think she was scared I’d get hurt.
There was never a time I didn’t feel loved by momma.
(Full Screen Graphic)
And now faith, hope, and love, abide,
These three, and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
(Fran Coode Walsh) It is impossible to speak about my mother without saying she was a person who believed in prayer.
There was not a time that a baby was being born that my mother didn’t have that candle lit and she was saying prayers for everything to go well and also to thank God for a new life in our family.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Devote yourselves to prayer,
Keeping alert in it with thanksgiving.
Colossians 4:2
(Lladale Carey) My mother always thought about others. She was the mother of the neighborhood. She loved children. Anybody’s children.
As I grew older I saw, she would give. She would go shopping – but it would be for other people. She was always giving and giving.
She had a legacy that she left behind. And I was proud to be her daughter.
(Full Screen Graphic)
For God loves
A cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7
(LynnMarie Rink) If you’re faced with being the mother of a special needs child, you are faced with loving in the midst of a situation that is not ideal.
Like with anything unexpected in life you have a choice – you either continue to fight it or you hit your knees and you get to acceptance. Knowing that, you cannot change what you’ve been given, it opens up your heart in a way that you never dreamed.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Now to him who
By the power at work within us
Is able to accomplish
Abundantly far more
Than all we can ask or imagine…
Ephesians 3:20
(Bilha Alegria) Mi madre es una persona muy amable, que daria si tenia un pedazo de pan, te lo daria para que tu lo comieras si tenias hambre. Y aunque ella tuviera hambre, ella no comia por darte el pedazo de pan.
(Translation: If my mother had a piece of bread and you were hungry, she would give it to you even if she was hungry. She would rather you eat, then her.)
I am who I am because of my mom.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Let all that you do
Be done with love.
1 Corinthians 16:14
Tag:
This video was produced by United Methodist Communications, May 2014. For more information, contact Laurens Glass at 615-742-5405.
Why we need positive adoption language
Positive adoption language celebrates families
A UMC.org Feature by the Rev. Angela Flanagan*
The Rev. Angela Flanagan is an associate pastor and adoptive parent. Photo courtesy of the Rev. Angela Flanagan.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but…” most of us have realized that words can hurt too. While we as adults have matured and acquired to a greater or lesser degree an ability to weed out negative or hurtful language, we generally acknowledge that children are particularly susceptible to hurtful words. Language matters. We know that.
We’ve all heard a child repeat something their parents surely didn’t intend to be repeated (sometimes even in the children’s sermon!). Those situations can range from humorous to awkward, but they sure do emphasize how much children hear, retain, and are influenced by the language around them.
Overall, we as a society and as people of faith rightly put value on protecting children from language we deem negative, hurtful, or inappropriate. In the Church, we seek to nurture children in worship, expose them to the stories of our faith, and teach them the language ofprayer from the start! These words of faith shape who our children become and how they grow to see God’s world.
We know our words matter, but our culture (and the Church with it) has a blind spot when it comes to adoption language. As a parent who has adopted children, I know that no one intentionally uses harmful language to talk about adoption, but the problem is that few of us have given much thought to the effects of the language we already use.
#UMC pastor and adoptive parent, “few of us have given much thought to ... the language we … use” for #adoption.
TWEET THIS
Our language can send confusing and even hurtful messages to God’s children, those who have been adopted, and those who interact with those who have been adopted (so, everybody!). This is an issue we as the church should care about.
It is nearly impossible to improve our adoption language if we don’t know a) what to avoid, b) why this language is harmful, and c) what language would more accurately and positively communicate what we are trying to say.
Click for larger version of image. Infographic by United Methodist Communications.
Sending unintended messages
For example, the common phrase “put up for adoption,” has a disturbing origin. Historically, this phrase comes from a bygone era when children from East Coast cities in the U.S. were put on trains to the Midwest where they were literally “put up” on the train platform to be selected for adoption. If this process sounds a little like the sale of slaves or the way we pick out animals or food, then you can understand why this is not a positive phrase to use. A great alternative is to talk about children being “placed for adoption,” or birthparents “making an adoption plan.”
Complimenting adoptive parents can sometimes send unintended messages as well. Phrases like, “It’s so wonderful that you adopted,” or “She’s so lucky to have you as parents,” are based on unhealthy assumptions. First, we as adoptive parents are the grateful/lucky/blessed ones to get the chance to parent these amazing children.
Adoption also involves a loss. Children grieve the loss of what could have been—the loss of their birth family raising them, the loss of a sense of connectedness, the loss of important medical and social history. It doesn’t matter how difficult the situation of their adoption was—it is still a loss. As adoptive parents we walk through that loss with our children, acknowledging that pain and grieving with them. Focusing on how “lucky” they are denies children the right and space to grieve the real loss they have experienced.
It also glorifies us as adoptive parents when in reality we are no different than any other parents. We wanted to be parents, so we became parents through adoption and we love our children. There is nothing heroic about that. Implying that there is sends the message to our children that it takes special people to love them, that somehow the love their parents have for them is charity.
Instead, saying something like, “I see how very much you love each other,” or “I’m happy for you and your family” will suffice.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but should give you a feel for the kinds of problems our current language can cause, and some suggestions for how to communicate better. I have compiled a list of more phrases to avoid, reasons why, and appropriate alternatives that you can read here. The list also includes how to ask questions and what not to ask.
We’ve made mistakes, but can do better
Yes, you’ve probably said some of these things, and of course you never meant harm by it. You care for the wellbeing of children and would never intentionally say something hurtful to them. That’s the point—to equip us to be more intentional about our adoption language.
I don’t write this to make you feel guilty. My family started our adoption journey over five years ago, and I still catch myself slipping up with some of these every now and then. It happens. Language patterns are hard to break. It takes intentionality, work, practice, and time. We didn’t know better before, but now we do.
Will you commit to changing your language around adoption? Will you help others understand the importance of positive adoption language?
Will you help others understand the importance of positive #adoption language? #UMCTWEET THIS
Do it not just for my kids, but for the thousands of children who deserve to have their identity, their story, and their family respected, valued, and protected. This is who we are as people of faith. We are people who care deeply about all God’s children. We are also people who respect the power language has to shape our self-esteem, our attitudes, and our very lives.
*The Rev. Angela Flanagan serves as Associate Pastor of Calvary United Methodist Church in Mount Airy, Maryland. News media contact: Joe Iovino, UMC.org Content Manager for United Methodist Communications, 615-312-3733.
Positive adoption language examples and resources
A UMC.org Feature by the Rev. Angela Flanagan*
Sometimes we send unintended messages through the language we choose. To help avoid those types of miscommunication, I’ve compiled a list that is by no means exhaustive, but should give you a feel for the kinds of problems with our current language and some suggestions for how we can do better. (Click here for infographic of this information)
Language to avoid
“give up”
“abandon”
“leave”
“give away”
“didn’t want to keep”
Why it is problematic
This sends a clear message to children who have been adopted that they were (are?) unwanted and disposed of like an object. This may lead children to believe this was their fault—that it is because of who they are that their birthparents “didn’t want” them. It also can lead children to believe that their birthparents didn’t care about or love them. It does not reflect the reality that making an adoption plan is a very loving action.
Positive alternative
“make an adoption plan”
“place for adoption”
Language to avoid
“real” or “natural”
mother / father / sibling / family
Why it is problematic
The child has birthparents andadoptive parents and all are real, live people who are part of a real family. Calling one set of parents “real” sends the message that there is something not real about the other set of parents. Calling birthparents the “natural” parents sends the message to children that there is something unnatural or even wrong with their family and adoption.
Positive alternative
Birthparents (birthmother, birthfather, birthfamily)
First parents (first mother, first father, first family)
Mother / Father / Family if the context is clear about which parents are being referred to, or ask the family how they refer to the birth family.
Language to avoid
“put up for adoption”
Why it is problematic
Historically, this phrase comes from the era in which children from big East Coast cities were put on trains to the Midwest where they were “put up” on the train platform to be selected for adoption. If this process sounds a little like the sale of slaves or the way we pick out animals or food, then you can understand why this is not a positive phrase to use.
Positive alternative
“make an adoption plan”
“place for adoption”
Language to avoid
“adopted child”
“is adopted”
Why it is problematic
These phrases indicate that being adopted is the primary identity of the child, that adoption is who they are. Yes, a child was adopted—it is an action that happened in their past, but it is not the primary thing that defines them.
Consider if the adoption is relevant to what is being said. If adoption has nothing to do with it, then child or daughter/son will suffice. We don’t specify other details of children’s births or histories when not relevant (e.g. we don’t say “your c-section daughter” or “your near-sighted son” when those details are not relevant).
Positive alternative
If the adoption is pertinent, then “child who was adopted” is better than “adopted child,”
“was adopted” (past tense) is preferred over “is adopted.”
Language to avoid
“It’s so wonderful that you adopted,”
“She’s so lucky to have you as parents.”
“You are such good people. I couldn’t raise someone else’s child.”
“She’s so much better off with you.”
Why it is problematic
These may sound like compliments, but they have many unintended consequences and are based on unhealthy assumptions. First, we as adoptive parents are the grateful/lucky/blessed ones to get the chance to parent these amazing children.
Adoption also involves a loss though. Children grieve the loss of what could have been—the loss of their birth family raising them, the loss of a sense of connectedness, the loss of important medical and social history. It doesn’t matter how difficult the situation of their adoption was—it is still a loss.
As adoptive parents we walk through that loss with our children, acknowledging that pain and grieving with them. Focusing on how “lucky” they are denies children the right and space to grieve the real loss they have experienced.
It also glorifies us as adoptive parents when in reality we are no different than any other parents. We wanted to be parents, so we became parents through adoption and we love our children. There is nothing heroic about that. Implying that there is sends the message to our children that it takes special people to love them, that somehow the love their parents have for them is charity.
Positive alternative
“I see how very much you love each other.”
“I’m happy for you and your family.”
When asking questions
Other helpful hints when talking about adoption, especially when asking questions:
Click for larger version of image. Infographic by United Methodist Communications.
Information about why birthparents chose to make an adoption plan, details about their lives (age of birthmother, drug use, marital status): If you don’t know this information, it is probably not for you to know. This is private information that belongs to the child of whose story it is a part.
Try to avoid making assumptions. Here are corrections to some common misunderstandings about adoptions in the United States.
Not every adoption is international. Most today are domestic.
Not every birthmother is a teenager. Birthmothers cover the entire range of childbearing years.
Closed adoptions are not preferred. Research shows it is much healthier for the child to have some contact with their birth family to allow them to understand better who they are, know where they came from, and be able to ask questions.
Secrecy is not preferred. We talk openly about adoption with our children from the day they come home. They need to know their stories. Secrecy instills shame and fear and encourages children to bottle up their emotions.
Not every parent places a child for adoption because of hardship.
Not every child is placed for adoption with consent.
Transracial adoptive families
Children notice race. They are not colorblind. We teach them to observe, name, and categorize—all important skills. There is nothing wrong with noticing differences in skin color. However, it is important to talk to all children about race and the history of racial injustice in this country.
Children repeat words they hear even when they don’t understand them. You cannot guarantee that your child won’t hear racial slurs or racist attitudes. If they do, they may repeat them, not because they are mean or racist, but because they don’t know any better. You CAN give your child a healthy understanding of race and racial prejudice so that they have a way to talk about race instead of relying on what they hear from unknown sources.
Remember that adoptive families, particularly transracial adoptive families, field questions (and endure stares) ALL the time. I get questions from strangers at the grocery store, the post office, and the pharmacy. Just because you can see that a family is formed through adoption does not mean that family is there to field your questions.
Asking appropriate questions with healthy language of friends is very different from asking questions of perfect strangers. Before you ask or comment, consider what it might feel like to have your family questioned everywhere you go by people who you don’t know and what effect that has on the children.
If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or if you are using appropriate language, please refrain, or at the very least, refrain while in front of the children.
*The Rev. Angela Flanagan serves as Associate Pastor of Calvary United Methodist Church in Mount Airy, Maryland. News media contact: Joe Iovino, UMC.org Content Manager for United Methodist Communications, 615-312-3733.
Infographic shares best words to use about adoption
Positive Adoption Language Infographic
This infographic is from "Positive adoption language celebrates families," by the Rev. Angela Flanagan.
"Positive adoption language examples and resources," contains more detail on the following information.
Infographic created by United Methodist Communications.
Read the full story at umc.org/adoption-words.
You are encouraged to use these links for personal reflection and to share them with others for inspiration.
Visit UMC.org today! It's your one-stop site for all things United Methodist.
United Methodist Communications
810 12th Avenue South
Nashville, Tennessee 37203-4704 United States
umcom@umcom.org
Media contact is Fran Walsh, 615-742-5458.
This video was first posted on March 15, 2015.
A Mother’s Blessing: A Photo Reflection
Script:
(Tafadzwa Mudambanuki) I grew up in Mutare, Zimbabwe.
My mom, when I grew up, demonstrated what any mom, I think, should be. Caring. She was hard-working. And she did instill those values in us as kids. To work hard. To respect people. And to fear God.
I’ve always been serving God, up to now. So, I thank God for my mother.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Train children in
The right way,
And when old,
They will not stray.
Proverbs 22:6
(Lilla Marigza) I look back at my mother’s life and I’ve often wondered, how do you, at twenty-one years old, graduate from college and say, “I have a calling to be a missionary. And I’ll go wherever you need to send me.”
If my mother hadn’t ended up half way across the world from Kansas to the Philippines, my brother and sisters and I wouldn’t be who we are today.
(Full Screen Graphic)
For where your
Treasure is,
There your heart
Will be also.
Matthew 6:21
(Brent House) Her cooking. Momma spoiled us when we were little. I mean she cooked three meals a day. Except on Sundays. We went out to eat on Sundays. That was her day off.
Momma was always very loving. I don’t think she came to very many of my football games because I think she was scared I’d get hurt.
There was never a time I didn’t feel loved by momma.
(Full Screen Graphic)
And now faith, hope, and love, abide,
These three, and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
(Fran Coode Walsh) It is impossible to speak about my mother without saying she was a person who believed in prayer.
There was not a time that a baby was being born that my mother didn’t have that candle lit and she was saying prayers for everything to go well and also to thank God for a new life in our family.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Devote yourselves to prayer,
Keeping alert in it with thanksgiving.
Colossians 4:2
(Lladale Carey) My mother always thought about others. She was the mother of the neighborhood. She loved children. Anybody’s children.
As I grew older I saw, she would give. She would go shopping – but it would be for other people. She was always giving and giving.
She had a legacy that she left behind. And I was proud to be her daughter.
(Full Screen Graphic)
For God loves
A cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7
(LynnMarie Rink) If you’re faced with being the mother of a special needs child, you are faced with loving in the midst of a situation that is not ideal.
Like with anything unexpected in life you have a choice – you either continue to fight it or you hit your knees and you get to acceptance. Knowing that, you cannot change what you’ve been given, it opens up your heart in a way that you never dreamed.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Now to him who
By the power at work within us
Is able to accomplish
Abundantly far more
Than all we can ask or imagine…
Ephesians 3:20
(Bilha Alegria) Mi madre es una persona muy amable, que daria si tenia un pedazo de pan, te lo daria para que tu lo comieras si tenias hambre. Y aunque ella tuviera hambre, ella no comia por darte el pedazo de pan.
(Translation: If my mother had a piece of bread and you were hungry, she would give it to you even if she was hungry. She would rather you eat, then her.)
I am who I am because of my mom.
(Full Screen Graphic)
Let all that you do
Be done with love.
1 Corinthians 16:14
Tag:
This video was produced by United Methodist Communications, May 2014. For more information, contact Laurens Glass at 615-742-5405.
Why we need positive adoption language
A UMC.org Feature by the Rev. Angela Flanagan*
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but…” most of us have realized that words can hurt too. While we as adults have matured and acquired to a greater or lesser degree an ability to weed out negative or hurtful language, we generally acknowledge that children are particularly susceptible to hurtful words. Language matters. We know that.
We’ve all heard a child repeat something their parents surely didn’t intend to be repeated (sometimes even in the children’s sermon!). Those situations can range from humorous to awkward, but they sure do emphasize how much children hear, retain, and are influenced by the language around them.
Overall, we as a society and as people of faith rightly put value on protecting children from language we deem negative, hurtful, or inappropriate. In the Church, we seek to nurture children in worship, expose them to the stories of our faith, and teach them the language ofprayer from the start! These words of faith shape who our children become and how they grow to see God’s world.
We know our words matter, but our culture (and the Church with it) has a blind spot when it comes to adoption language. As a parent who has adopted children, I know that no one intentionally uses harmful language to talk about adoption, but the problem is that few of us have given much thought to the effects of the language we already use.
#UMC pastor and adoptive parent, “few of us have given much thought to ... the language we … use” for #adoption.
TWEET THISOur language can send confusing and even hurtful messages to God’s children, those who have been adopted, and those who interact with those who have been adopted (so, everybody!). This is an issue we as the church should care about.
It is nearly impossible to improve our adoption language if we don’t know a) what to avoid, b) why this language is harmful, and c) what language would more accurately and positively communicate what we are trying to say.
Sending unintended messages
For example, the common phrase “put up for adoption,” has a disturbing origin. Historically, this phrase comes from a bygone era when children from East Coast cities in the U.S. were put on trains to the Midwest where they were literally “put up” on the train platform to be selected for adoption. If this process sounds a little like the sale of slaves or the way we pick out animals or food, then you can understand why this is not a positive phrase to use. A great alternative is to talk about children being “placed for adoption,” or birthparents “making an adoption plan.”
Complimenting adoptive parents can sometimes send unintended messages as well. Phrases like, “It’s so wonderful that you adopted,” or “She’s so lucky to have you as parents,” are based on unhealthy assumptions. First, we as adoptive parents are the grateful/lucky/blessed ones to get the chance to parent these amazing children.
Adoption also involves a loss. Children grieve the loss of what could have been—the loss of their birth family raising them, the loss of a sense of connectedness, the loss of important medical and social history. It doesn’t matter how difficult the situation of their adoption was—it is still a loss. As adoptive parents we walk through that loss with our children, acknowledging that pain and grieving with them. Focusing on how “lucky” they are denies children the right and space to grieve the real loss they have experienced.
It also glorifies us as adoptive parents when in reality we are no different than any other parents. We wanted to be parents, so we became parents through adoption and we love our children. There is nothing heroic about that. Implying that there is sends the message to our children that it takes special people to love them, that somehow the love their parents have for them is charity.
Instead, saying something like, “I see how very much you love each other,” or “I’m happy for you and your family” will suffice.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but should give you a feel for the kinds of problems our current language can cause, and some suggestions for how to communicate better. I have compiled a list of more phrases to avoid, reasons why, and appropriate alternatives that you can read here. The list also includes how to ask questions and what not to ask.
We’ve made mistakes, but can do better
Yes, you’ve probably said some of these things, and of course you never meant harm by it. You care for the wellbeing of children and would never intentionally say something hurtful to them. That’s the point—to equip us to be more intentional about our adoption language.
I don’t write this to make you feel guilty. My family started our adoption journey over five years ago, and I still catch myself slipping up with some of these every now and then. It happens. Language patterns are hard to break. It takes intentionality, work, practice, and time. We didn’t know better before, but now we do.
Will you commit to changing your language around adoption? Will you help others understand the importance of positive adoption language?
Will you help others understand the importance of positive #adoption language? #UMC
TWEET THISDo it not just for my kids, but for the thousands of children who deserve to have their identity, their story, and their family respected, valued, and protected. This is who we are as people of faith. We are people who care deeply about all God’s children. We are also people who respect the power language has to shape our self-esteem, our attitudes, and our very lives.
*The Rev. Angela Flanagan serves as Associate Pastor of Calvary United Methodist Church in Mount Airy, Maryland. News media contact: Joe Iovino, UMC.org Content Manager for United Methodist Communications, 615-312-3733.
Positive adoption language examples and resources
Sometimes we send unintended messages through the language we choose. To help avoid those types of miscommunication, I’ve compiled a list that is by no means exhaustive, but should give you a feel for the kinds of problems with our current language and some suggestions for how we can do better. (Click here for infographic of this information)
Language to avoid
“give up”
“abandon”
“leave”
“give away”
“didn’t want to keep”
Why it is problematic
This sends a clear message to children who have been adopted that they were (are?) unwanted and disposed of like an object. This may lead children to believe this was their fault—that it is because of who they are that their birthparents “didn’t want” them. It also can lead children to believe that their birthparents didn’t care about or love them. It does not reflect the reality that making an adoption plan is a very loving action.
Positive alternative
“make an adoption plan”
“place for adoption”
Language to avoid
“real” or “natural”
mother / father / sibling / family
Why it is problematic
The child has birthparents andadoptive parents and all are real, live people who are part of a real family. Calling one set of parents “real” sends the message that there is something not real about the other set of parents. Calling birthparents the “natural” parents sends the message to children that there is something unnatural or even wrong with their family and adoption.
Positive alternative
Birthparents (birthmother, birthfather, birthfamily)
First parents (first mother, first father, first family)
Mother / Father / Family if the context is clear about which parents are being referred to, or ask the family how they refer to the birth family.
Language to avoid
“put up for adoption”
Why it is problematic
Historically, this phrase comes from the era in which children from big East Coast cities were put on trains to the Midwest where they were “put up” on the train platform to be selected for adoption. If this process sounds a little like the sale of slaves or the way we pick out animals or food, then you can understand why this is not a positive phrase to use.
Positive alternative
“make an adoption plan”
“place for adoption”
Language to avoid
“adopted child”
“is adopted”
Why it is problematic
These phrases indicate that being adopted is the primary identity of the child, that adoption is who they are. Yes, a child was adopted—it is an action that happened in their past, but it is not the primary thing that defines them.
Consider if the adoption is relevant to what is being said. If adoption has nothing to do with it, then child or daughter/son will suffice. We don’t specify other details of children’s births or histories when not relevant (e.g. we don’t say “your c-section daughter” or “your near-sighted son” when those details are not relevant).
Positive alternative
If the adoption is pertinent, then “child who was adopted” is better than “adopted child,”
“was adopted” (past tense) is preferred over “is adopted.”
Language to avoid
“It’s so wonderful that you adopted,”
“She’s so lucky to have you as parents.”
“You are such good people. I couldn’t raise someone else’s child.”
“She’s so much better off with you.”
Why it is problematic
These may sound like compliments, but they have many unintended consequences and are based on unhealthy assumptions. First, we as adoptive parents are the grateful/lucky/blessed ones to get the chance to parent these amazing children.
Adoption also involves a loss though. Children grieve the loss of what could have been—the loss of their birth family raising them, the loss of a sense of connectedness, the loss of important medical and social history. It doesn’t matter how difficult the situation of their adoption was—it is still a loss.
As adoptive parents we walk through that loss with our children, acknowledging that pain and grieving with them. Focusing on how “lucky” they are denies children the right and space to grieve the real loss they have experienced.
It also glorifies us as adoptive parents when in reality we are no different than any other parents. We wanted to be parents, so we became parents through adoption and we love our children. There is nothing heroic about that. Implying that there is sends the message to our children that it takes special people to love them, that somehow the love their parents have for them is charity.
Positive alternative
“I see how very much you love each other.”
“I’m happy for you and your family.”
When asking questions
Other helpful hints when talking about adoption, especially when asking questions:
Information about why birthparents chose to make an adoption plan, details about their lives (age of birthmother, drug use, marital status): If you don’t know this information, it is probably not for you to know. This is private information that belongs to the child of whose story it is a part.
Try to avoid making assumptions. Here are corrections to some common misunderstandings about adoptions in the United States.
Not every adoption is international. Most today are domestic.
Not every birthmother is a teenager. Birthmothers cover the entire range of childbearing years.
Closed adoptions are not preferred. Research shows it is much healthier for the child to have some contact with their birth family to allow them to understand better who they are, know where they came from, and be able to ask questions.
Secrecy is not preferred. We talk openly about adoption with our children from the day they come home. They need to know their stories. Secrecy instills shame and fear and encourages children to bottle up their emotions.
Not every parent places a child for adoption because of hardship.
Not every child is placed for adoption with consent.
Transracial adoptive families
Children notice race. They are not colorblind. We teach them to observe, name, and categorize—all important skills. There is nothing wrong with noticing differences in skin color. However, it is important to talk to all children about race and the history of racial injustice in this country.
Children repeat words they hear even when they don’t understand them. You cannot guarantee that your child won’t hear racial slurs or racist attitudes. If they do, they may repeat them, not because they are mean or racist, but because they don’t know any better. You CAN give your child a healthy understanding of race and racial prejudice so that they have a way to talk about race instead of relying on what they hear from unknown sources.
Remember that adoptive families, particularly transracial adoptive families, field questions (and endure stares) ALL the time. I get questions from strangers at the grocery store, the post office, and the pharmacy. Just because you can see that a family is formed through adoption does not mean that family is there to field your questions.
Asking appropriate questions with healthy language of friends is very different from asking questions of perfect strangers. Before you ask or comment, consider what it might feel like to have your family questioned everywhere you go by people who you don’t know and what effect that has on the children.
If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or if you are using appropriate language, please refrain, or at the very least, refrain while in front of the children.
*The Rev. Angela Flanagan serves as Associate Pastor of Calvary United Methodist Church in Mount Airy, Maryland. News media contact: Joe Iovino, UMC.org Content Manager for United Methodist Communications, 615-312-3733.
Infographic shares best words to use about adoption
This infographic is from "Positive adoption language celebrates families," by the Rev. Angela Flanagan.
"Positive adoption language examples and resources," contains more detail on the following information.
Read the full story at umc.org/adoption-words.
You are encouraged to use these links for personal reflection and to share them with others for inspiration.
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