GATEWAY E-News - 98
Gateway Church Family, Date: Tuesday, 31 October 2017
Loneliness, Fear and Waiting – While I Long For Home Since becoming a pastor six years ago, there is one thing people keep saying to me; I am very open, honest and transparent. However, it’s never felt this way. I feel like I hold back and if people really knew what I wanted to say then they would think that I am crazy.
For this piece, there is nothing holding back. Brace yourself!
Nine years ago, something amazing happened. I became a Christian. I was raised in the church but through hurt and watching hypocrisy first hand, I left when I was 20 years old. This led to 5 years of abuse. I did drugs, drank heavily, got married and had a broken marriage, had kids, was a dead-beat dad and became a horrible person all around. Then nine years ago I met a friend. This friend did not come and just share Jesus with me. They were Jesus for me. They didn’t explain the ins and outs of Christianity, they lived the ins and outs of Christianity. I saw first-hand what it meant to be a totally committed follower of Jesus. And I wanted in. Nine years ago, I became a Christian and everything changed. God restored my marriage, made me new, made me a better father and even called me into ministry.
The past nine years have been amazing. Apart of the ministry teams we have been with; we have planted churches, led many to Jesus, developed leaders and so much more. My family has pastored in Missouri, Kansas and California. It has been amazing and we would not trade anything for this life of ministry that we have been called to by God.
With this being said, it is time to be honest. I still struggle. I struggle greatly. I struggle with things but I consider it a joy to struggle. In fact, I love the struggle.
Some church people will be critical and say that because I have Jesus, I should not struggle. But I believe we are called to a life of struggle.
Here are three things that are a daily struggle….
1. Loneliness – I have preached in packed sanctuaries, spoken at large High school graduations and shared at community events. I am constantly around people that love me. My wife, Jennifer, is an amazing wife (who I love being with) and we have three amazing kids. I work in an office full of great people. And still I feel lonely. I struggle with loneliness. I feel incomplete.
Here is the reality though, I am not home yet. This world is not my home. My home is in heaven with Jesus. I cannot wait to get there. In fact, even today I asked Jesus a question. I said “Jesus, will you go to the Father today and ask Him to come get your child?”. I believe all of us will feel a little lonely until we get to go home.
I began praying a simple prayer. The prayer is this, “Father, do not completely fill me up, keep me a little empty so I continually keep the longing for home.”
We are a part of the family of God and until we can be with Him fully in heaven, we will struggle here with being lonely for Him! Paul says this in Philippians 1:23-24 – “I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.”
I experience this on a daily basis. I am lonely because I am not with Jesus fully. Until then, I will struggle while I continually seek to win people to Him as I go through this life.
To help combat this loneliness until I can go home, I do something out of the ordinary, I purposely hang out with sinners. I believe that if you want to be close to Christ, relate to Christ and identify with Christ, then hang around sinners. Read the life of Jesus in detail. He was always hanging around broken people. To help combat my loneliness, I go to Haiti and preach in the villages to those who are distant from Christ. I go to Applebee’s and sit in the bar and share the love of Christ. I invite those to my home who the church would never accept. I hang out with sinners.
I want to be as close to Christ as I can in this life and so I hang around the same people He hung around.
2. Fear – Growing up my dad was absent and thus I had “daddy” issues. I struggle constantly with the need to achieve. There is a constant fear of failure. This thought has driven me crazy at times.
More recently there has been another fear. This has been the fear of success. Since I have had a little bit of what the world considers “success” in ministry, sometimes church people praise me. I was at a conference sometime back and everyone was telling me how great I was. This made me sick, knowing the real me and I am no-where close to greatness. I don’t just want to have a great career in ministry and that be all. I fear having a successful ministry in the world’s eyes with Christ not being pleased. I want to be obedient over being successful. I fear success. I don’t want to be praised by others. Luke 6:26 says this, “Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.”
The last fear; my fear of not living in tune with God’s Spirit. Acts 16:6-10 says this, “6 Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. 7 When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. 8 So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. 9 During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, “Come over to Macedonia and help us.”10 After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them.”
Paul lived his life in constant tune with God’s Spirit. I want my life to be in sync with God’s Spirit. I want to go wherever God says go. I want to do whatever God says do. It does not matter what anyone else says, I want to live with what God desires, not what man desires.
But here is the reality, I am glad I struggle with fear. I am glad I struggle with the fear of failure, the fear of success and the fear of not living in tune with God’s Spirit. I know the Bible says, “fear not” over and over again. I believe however that these fears are healthy. I am glad I struggle with fearing failure because it keeps me hungry for doing more. I am glad I struggle with fearing success because it keeps me humble even when people want to praise me. And I am glad I struggle with the fear of not being in tune with God’s Spirit because it keeps me seeking Him constantly.
3. Waiting – Lastly, I struggle with waiting. I do not like waiting. I am ready for Jesus to return, I am ready for judgment, I am ready for the new Jerusalem. I am ready to be in the presence of Jesus forever.
Now in all honesty, I do not care about mansions in the sky or even streets of gold. I do care about Jesus. I have fallen madly in love with Jesus. He is amazing and I just want to be with Him forever.
I long for the day of His return. This is a daily struggle for me. I am an impatient person and thus I am crying out all the time, “Come Lord Jesus”.
I am happy with my life. I am happy with my home and my car and my bank account. But I don’t love these things. I love Jesus. I would lose it all in a heart-beat and not care if Jesus came back and took us home! I am in love with Jesus and not in love with my life.
I struggle with waiting. This struggle keeps me going in the hard times of life and keeps me going in the easy times of life.
Philippians 3:20 says, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ”
Longing for Home – This world is not my home, I will gladly struggle with loneliness, fear and waiting until I make it home.
I belong to Christ and my life should be full of struggles, trials and pains but these three struggles make me daily long to be home.
Anxiously I cannot wait!
I hope you have a great week!
God bless!
Pastor Kevin
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